Leather Bound
by DreamingLillies
Summary: Sequel to The Journal. “I’ve just gotten you, don’t let me lose you already.” Lily continues her 'flashback's and crazy rantings in her new pretty leather bound journal. Recommend reading The Journal first.
1. Entry1

Leather Bound

Entry 1

Well the hype from all the holidays is slowly drowning, though we still have new years to look forward too. The marauders are throwing a New Years Eve party.

That should be interesting….

Its going to be held out on the Quidditch Pitch.

Yes, the Potter's Quidditch Pitch.

In their back yard.

With all the equipment, the real sized hoops, bleachers, even a fucking lighted score board.

Anyway, the party should, as Sirius put it, really bitchin. Just about everyone at Hogwarts is invited, even some Slytherin. Of course not Sirius's brother.

Or his brothers best friend…

Considering that's why Sirius and Charlotte aren't talking…

_Still_.

I know I'm probably really biased on the whole thing, but I think Sirius is being a complete dick.

I mean, Charlotte dated Josh before they were together, before anything happened between her and Sirius, and god only knows who Sirius has had sex with in the past. So really he no room to talk.

And to tell you the truth, I don't know if finding resistance in you is really all that possible when friggin Josh Zabini is trying to seduce you. I hear he is one fine sweet talker.

Not that I'd need him, since James and I are going so smoothly.

I just hope Sirius and Charlotte get back on track soon, its really making my holiday tense and awkward.

Jesus that sounded vain.

What can I say, James has spoiled me.

_January 1__st_

Sirius was right. That party _was_ bitchin.

Wow, what a night.

So it was New Years Eve and I was getting ready….

**Flashback!**

I had just finished putting on my mascara, when someone knocked on the door.

"Hey Lils, you ready?"

"Come see for yourself."

James opened the door with a wide grin on his face. He wolf whistled.

"Damn."

I spun around for him, showing him all of my outfit. I was wearing a black mini dress, with a back that was strung up like a corset but bare besides the string. Thank god it was going to be heated at the Pitch. I had to wear flats because it was going to be on grass, but they were a bright red.

"You like it?" I asked, with a glint in my eye.

"Do I like it???" He looked me up and down, a look of lust shinning in his eyes. He ran toward me and I squealed, giggling like mad. He kissed behind my ear, his voice a notch lower. "Hell yes I like it." I giggled more as his hand caressed my stomach, not too low or high, perfectly respectable. "I just don't like that everyone else will be able to see you in this."

I turned my face to look at him, unable to shake the smile on my face, "And whys that?"

He gave me a look clearly asking if I was serious. I knew why he didn't like me wearing this, he was a very jealous person.

He had in fact threatened/beat up guys since 3rd year for me.

That thought just made me smile more.

How terrible.

"Alright, enough screwing around in there!" Sirius said walking by James's door.

"He's really grumpy isn't it?" I asked.

"He's just trying to make up for all the bull shit I put him through when we would fight." We left the house still laughing.

***********_Around 11:40************_

The music was so loud that the tall hoops above us were vibrating with each beat of the music. There were hundreds of people all around me, dancing, singing, eating, drinking, talking, and some half dressed girl in a fairy uniform was throwing glitter.

You could obliviously tell Sirius had made the guest list.

James and I were dancing, though grinding would be the more appropriate word, not that many took notice because they had already seen us doing this at my birthday party, though some people are just snotty bitches and gave me terrible looks.

They happened to be on the James Potter fan club.

Shocker there, really.

I rocked my hips against James in a delightful way, making him buck into me. I watched as his chin rested on my shoulder and he bit his lip. "Damn, with what you're doing with your hips I'm going to have the best fucking year out of all these peoples' put together…"

I laughed brought his hands to my stomach, dancing again, shaking my hips to the quick beat.

I looked around and saw Melanie getting down.

She must have had a cup of the wrong punch…(I had convinced Sirius not to spike one of the punch bowls, not everyone needed to get shit faced. Though the bowl with firewhiskey was almost empty…)

Sirius was up in the stands, dancing so sexily it should have been illegal, but what was horrible was that he was dancing like this with another girl. Her name was Rose. She had long brown wavy hair that covered up her backless halter top that clung to all her curves. Sirius's hand were all over her, and she kept swinging her head back and forth, putting her long locks in front of Sirius, shoving her boobs in his face.

I searched for Charlotte , I knew she would be with a guy.

And I was not disappointed.

Charlotte was dancing, on the opposite side of Sirius and his bimbo, with Damien Franks.

He had graduated a few years ago, I believe hes around 19…or 20…not sure.

All I know is that Damien was a sweet guy and not only that he was one fine piece of man.

That's my girl.

She looked like nothing was wrong, that she was just having a good time, but I could see her looking over in the direction of Sirius occasionally and when her head turned that way she would dance faster and grind harder.

A new slower song began to play, and James and I were moving to face each other for a slow dance.

"Excuse me?" A guy I didn't know asked, "Mind if I cut in?" I shrugged and nodded at James.

James checked his watch, I still can't believe he wears one, its very un-marauder of him.

He looked at me, "You better be in my arms by 12, this bozo better not kiss you at midnight …" He winked and grinned then walked away.

"Is that your boyfriend?" His deep husky voice asked. He had dark, rusty skin and dark brown eyes that looked like I could look into them forever. He towered over me at least two head, he was, undeniably, sexy.

"I don't even know your name."

"Hayden Cross."

"Lily Evans. How do you know Sirius?"

"I'm here with Damien, I'm his cousin."

"Did you go to Hogwarts?"

"No, I went to Durmstrang."

I squeezed his biceps that my hands were resting on. "Is working out a requirement there? The only Durmstrang men I've met are really built."

He smirked at this, and I hadn't meant for that sentence to turn out that way, it was just one of those things that just kinda pop into your mind and you have no control about how it just comes out of your mouth.

"No, we just like to impress beautiful red heads."

"All of you?" I smirked now.

"No, just this guy names Hayden that I know."

"Oh I see…well that guy over there, he is my boyfriend."

"What a lucky guy."

"No, I'm a lucky girl."

He smiled, "So do I not have any chance then?"

"Nope, sorry."

"Its alright," He dipped me while the song hit its climax, and whispered to me, "I'm not easily discouraged." He put me upright again and kissed my hand, "Lily Evans." He bowed his head and walked away.

I'm not going to lie, I felt a little light headed at that little encounter.

I looked up and saw James looking at me. He looked worried.

"Lily?"

I looked up at him.

_10….9…_

The crowd was beginning to shout the countdown to the new year.

…_8…_

He took my face in his hands, his eyes were searching mine for something, I didn't know what.

…_7...6…_

"I've just gotten you, don't let me loose you already."

…_.5….4…_

"You'll never loose me."

…_3…_

"You cant promise that."

…_2…_

"But no matter what, I can promise I'll love you forever."

…_.Happy New Year!!!_

He pulled me in for the most intimate kiss we'd ever shared.

"That's a long time angel." He whispered, throwing my words at me just as I had done.

I smiled at him as the fireworks exploded above us, he wrapped his warm arms around me.

"It isn't long enough."

"Happy New Years Sweetheart." He whispered to me.

"This is going to be a year isn't it James?"

He looked down at me and seemed to find whatever he had been searching for.

"The very best,"

**Yay the sequel! I hope you liked the little sappy-ness there at the end and the little bit of trouble that is blooming above the happy little couple…you could be reading a little bit more of this Hayden Cross….**

**So yes I realized that it is Monday. **

**It's the holidays, give me a break ;)**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	2. Entry2

Entry 2—real thing

"Now James I want you to promise you'll take of Lily." Mrs. Potter said to her son.

"Of course mum, I'll protect my Lily."

"I don't need protection!" I said in protest.

"Of course you don't sweetheart." James said kissing my forehead, I could tell he was humoring me. I suppose he did want to protect me, what with happened to my parents.

Ugh, no Lily. No talking about them. I went through the holidays only crying a few times over them, and I intend on keeping it that way. I know my parents would want me to be happy and I'm trying to honor their memory without thinking about them all the time, but its hard. If I think about them, I cant stop thinking about them. So, lately I'm trying to not think about them at all. I know that sounds awful, but its just for a while, until I can handle my grief.

Yes, I know its unhealthy.

Journal, do not do this at home.

Anyway, back to when we were saying goodbye.

Mr. Potter took James to the side, leaving Mrs. Potter and I alone.

"Now Lily, I want to come back this summer, alright? I'm so happy we got to meet! I thought James would never get you…I was so worried about him. I didn't know what we were going to do if you didn't accept him sooner or later. He was just so dead set on getting you. And at such a young age as well, I didn't know what to do. All I heard about for years was the beautiful feisty redhead Lily." She said while bringing me into a tight hug.

"Alright, go ahead and get on the train! See you this summer!"

She turned to Charlotte, hugging her just as tight and—I assumed—giving her advice for the year, and telling her Sirius and her would be fine, just keep trying.

I missed my mum at times like these. Last time I was getting on the train, mum was waving goodbye…Dad never even came. Late as usual, that thought made me smile.

So I'm sitting in the train compartment writing all of this down when all of the sudden James and Sirius jump up looking alarmed and make some lame excuse about needing to go change into their robes.

Charlotte had gone and sat with Alice and Mary again.

Melanie was sprawled out on the opposite booth. Her head rested on Lupin's lap as he gently stroked her hair. They seemed to be in their own little world.

Hold on a moment, there is an owl at our compartment window!

Oh my Merlin.

No fucking way.

Look what the owl brought in! Read it and weep:

_**I can't seem to get the name Lily Evans out of my mind, any ideas on how to fix this predicament?**_

_**-Hayden Cross**_

The nerve of this ass hole!

I cant believe him! He did say he was not easily discouraged. What nerve! Writing me. Humpf. He has a beautiful owl though, shes golden. I saw that on her leg was a ban that had her name written in Hayden's eloquent scroll. _"Aurora"_

I wrote quickly on the bottom of the paper:

_Well, my advice is to think of my strong boyfriend beating you up._

_-Lily Evans_

Hopefully that will shut him up.

So I got off the train and was about to get in an carriage to go up to the castle when the two newly-ignited love birds when James jumps into the carriage.

"Gah!"

"Hello Love." He said, and kissed my cheek.

"Where have you been?!" I said, looking at him carefully making sure he was all in one piece.

"I was attempting to get Padfoot to stop his bitchin and moanin."

Remus got swept out of his love scene with Melanie for a moment and looked over at James, "How'd that go?" It was clear he thought that's never happen.

"Well," He chuckled, "Maybe I should rephrase? Stop his bitchin and moanin over my sister."

"And?" I asked, poor Charlotte.

"I think it will work. He finally accepted that he missed her and does really like her."

"_Like_ her?" Melanie said, "I think he more than _likes_ her…"

"Its Sirius, this is a big step."

"True." We all said in unison.

"So whats he going to do about it?" I asked James as he slipped his arm around me.

"We'll find out soon enough."

Charlotte and Sirius sat next to each other at dinner, but left before it was over.

"Where'd they go?" I leaned over and asked James, who was digging into his apple tart.

"All I know is that they better be far away from a bed."

Remus laughed, "You of all people should know Sirius doesn't need a bed for a shag."

James threw a roll at him. "Oy! Shut up!"

The moment Melanie and I got into the dormitories Charlotte came bounces up to us, "Guess what?!"

"What?!" We both said.

"Sirius took me off to the room of requirements and it turned into a beautiful little place with a big fire place and he took me there and sat me down and took my hands in his and started just telling me everything!" She was talking a mile a minute, her hands being thrown in every direction as the story built. He told me how he had liked me for such a long time but he never asked me up because he thought that I'd deserve a better person, someone who could have long relationships, and the fact James would have kicked his ass. But there he was, sitting there telling me how he thinks about me all the time and he cant get me out of his head. He said he just gets so jealous over me that even if someone looks at me with interest he wants to hex them. He said he couldn't imagine not being with me and would do anything for making up how he blew up on the train at me! He said it was completely inappropriate and that I must have felt humiliated and he never wanted to make me feel that again. He gave me all the time in the world to think it over and see if he was good enough for someone as beautiful and special as I was!"

We stared at her dumbly. _Sirius_ fucking _Black_ had said to this a woman?!

She looked at us with the biggest smile, "And I honestly don't think he bull shited the whole thing!"

We busted out laughing. I shook my head, only Charlotte.

I got changed and went to bed, I missed James's manor, I miss being able to be held by James at night. I wish I could see him. I walked over to the bed, both my room mates sound asleep.

I laid my head on the pillow, I loved the beds at Hogwarts, they were just so damn comfortable! I was just drifting off to sleep with I heard an owl pecking at the window.

_Go away. Please, please go away._

I thought. I did not want to leave the warmth of my bed…

It didn't go away.

And I didn't want it to wake up my roommates so I got up and as quietly as I could I opened the window and saw Aurora, Hayden's owl, hooting for food.

"I don't have anything for you, go to the owlerly."

She gave a hoot of annoyance and flew off right after I untied the letter tied to her leg.

_**As you already noticed, Durmstrang men are very built so your boyfriend does not hold much threat.**_

_**-Hayden C.**_

I wrote back hotly, I cant believe he would insult James! My boyfriend is buff thank you very much! Stupid freaking charming Durmstrang.

_As you should have noticed, my boyfriend is built as well and apposes a large threat._

_-Lily Evans_

I knew his owl wouldn't be back tonight so I was just about to lay the paper on my nightstand until later when I could mail it but then I saw the same eloquent hand begin to seep onto the paper.

What the f—?

_**Yes, but as I've noticed, you keep writing back. **_

_**-Hayden**_

He had written the damn thing on two sided paper! That shit was expensive! It was so cool though, it comes in a pack of 2 sheets, one person would write and it would automatically be written on the other persons' paper. I stared at it, wondering if I should just turn over and go to bed…

_**That was not meant for you to stop writing me, Lily. **_

_**-Hayden**_

Yeah, that back fired didn't it Hayden?!?

_I was writing back in politeness only._

_-Lily_

_**So you're saying this is all out of politeness? That you were not attracted to me at all? I don't believe that.**_

_**-Hayden**_

_Well believe it._

_-Lily_

_**I know I felt attracted to you. I thought we really had a moment.**_

_**-Hayden**_

_Sure, if I didn't have a __boyfriend._

_-Lily_

_**I knew we had a moment, even you wont deny it.**_

_**-Hayden**_

_Why are you writing me?_

_-Lily_

_**Why did you switch subjects?**_

_**-Hayden**_

_Why did you answer my question with a question?_

_-Lily_

_**Why don't you want to admit we are attracted to each other?**_

_**-H**_

_I have a boyfriend!_

_Lily_

_**Why do you keep mentioning him? Its bringing down my mood.**_

_**-H**_

_Why cant you remember him and focus on the other girl you're flirting with, I know I'm not the only one getting these letters._

_Lily Evans_

_**Aw, Lily Evans, you hurt me. I'm only sending letters to you, love.**_

_**Hayden Cross**_

_Do not call me love._

_Lily Ella Evans_

_**Ooh, the full name. I like it. It rolls off the tongue. It would be nice to have you under that tongue.**_

_**Hayden Ray Cross**_

_You'll never have that pleasure._

_Lily_

_**I don't know about that**_

_**Hayden**_

_I do. Its. Never. Gonna. Happen._

_Lily_

_**I bet I could seduce you**_

_**Hayden**_

_I don't want you to_

_Lily_

_**That's the whole 'seducing' part.**_

_**Hayden**_

_You're insufferable_

_Lily_

_**You like the idea of me seducing you, don't you? I bet you blushed with I said I wanted you under my tongue.**_

_**Hayden**_

_You wish. You sound very vain in your notes, you know that right? You only write about how amazing YOU are. It's quite the turn off._

_Lily E_

_**What a shame. Because you're such a turn on…**_

…_To my __boyfriend._

_**You really need to stop with that. **_

_I'm sorry but it will never happen. I love my boyfriend._

_**Alright. Fine. Could we at least be friends?**_

_I don't think that's a good idea._

_**Too tempting for you?**_

_No!_

_**Well then, what's the problem?**_

_You wouldn't be able to control yourself._

_**And you called me vain….**_

_I need to go to sleep._

_**Then sleep.**_

_Fine._

_**So since we're friends I'm going to start sending you letters, are you ok with that?**_

_Fine._

_**I knew you were attracted to me.**_

_Ass hole._

_**Goodnight.**_

Fuck. Is my life ever _un_complicated?

**And the plot thickens!**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! I hope you liked this chapter, do you like Hayden?**

**Love,**

**Jenna **


	3. Entry3

Entry 3

I think I'm depressed. I cant stop thinking about my parents. But I feel as if if I don't I'll loose them in my memory forever.

But even so, I have been so moody lately and don't know why. While I'm not depressed over my parents, I should be elated. My life is going amazing. I have all my friends, my boyfriend, Hogwarts, magic, hell I even have house elves to clean after me.

But on the other hand, I'm not talking to Charlotte or Melanie because they cant stop sucking face with their boyfriends to talk to me, James is all a fuddled with being Quidditch captain, Hogwarts is going fucking crazy because of all the muggle attacks, and the house elves are enslaved.

And then there's Hayden.

Hayden Rae Cross.

What a _man_.

What a _god_.

What an _ass_.

I don't really know what to do with that whole situation, you see, like I had stated earlier James is so busy with Quidditch that in between I have been writing to Hayden.

Don't judge me!

Its not like I'm dirty talking or anything, its just nice to have someone ask how my day is!

Normal day with James:

_10:00pm_

*James flops down on couch, covered in mud and exhausted*

*me, looks up from book.* "Babe, your running yourself too hard."

*barely mumbles with eyes half closed* "I know"

*both go to bed*

I know. What a relationship we have!

So I just got a letter from Hayden…..

_**Dear Lily,**_

_**I'm sorry to hear about you feeling neglected. I happen to have some news that might help with this dilemma.**_

_**I was talking with Damien today about how we want to go somewhere. And, like it was fate, with both came to the same conclusion. **_

_**On your next Hogsmeade visit, I will be staying at the leaky cauldron. You could join me for a butterbeer or two. It would be nice seeing you in person after our letters.**_

_**I could show you how a real man would treat you.**_

_** -Hayden C.**_

I shudder just from reading it.

I bet this guy would be one hell of a talker in bed.

"Lily!" I was walking, very quickly, to my next class when James yelled for me.

"Hey…"I said slowly, still moving through the little students at a quick speed.

"Where's the fire Lils?" He said in a laugh.

"Don't you need to be somewhere?" I asked in a sharp tone.

James visibly flinched. "You're angry."

"Well spotted."

"What did I do?"

I had reached my classroom, "Its more the matter of what you haven't done." Then I slipped into my class room.

Yes, I realize I was being a bitch.

At dinner that night I sat next to James as usual and prepared to sit in silence as I had for the last week. James had been talking to his team members, arguing over tactics and laughing over inside jokes that happened at practice.

"Lily?" James whispered to me.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I smiled, and bit my lip. He leaned down to my ear, "I miss you."

I smiled wider, "I miss you too."

"I'm sorry we haven't talked a lot the last couple of weeks."

"I know…" I said with my head hung a bit.

"Come on Lils, lets get out of here." He stood up and took my hand. We got up and walked out the doors of the great hall and James started to take me outside.

"James its freezing out there! We need to go get our cloaks!"

He chuckled, "Lily, we're wizards." I laughed.

Right. Duh. Warming charm.

He took my hand and we went toward our rock next to the water, it was close to full moon. I wondered if Lupin was nervous. I felt so sad for him.

His thumb was caressing my head, I loved his hands. They were so manly.

"James…"

"Yes love," He whispered into my hair. We had been sitting on our rock in silence for a while.

"What's going to happen to us?"

"What do you mean sweetheart?"

"What's going to happen once Hogwarts is over?"

"That's not for a while."

"I know…" I said I a low voice, it was stupid of me to ask.

He gave a content sigh, "We'll graduate and then we'll live together, or you'll get a flat with Melanie or something. It will all work out."

"B-But—"

"Go on."

"What if you're done with me then? I mean, it will have been so many years since you started to like me, wont you be tired of me by then?"

He laughed, "Lets just hope I can keep you entertained enough so you don't go off and find another man."

I laughed, and squeezed his hand.

He leaned back, and let me lay almost on top of him. He ran his fingers through my hair, "So, how was your day?"

I smiled so wide it hurt.

He laughed at my large smile. "What?"

"Oh nothing. I was just thinking how nice that was to hear."

"Okay?" He said, a chuckle still lingering in his voice.

"It was a good day now, how was you're practice?"

"Oh god, the new beater we got to sub in for Jinkins is horrid! I wanted to slap him all through practice! He keeps on asking me about Charlotte…."

And so we sat for a good two hours just talking and then he decided we should back up to the castle but I didn't want to say goodnight.

He leaned over to my lips, and gave me a lingering 'goodnight' kiss. "Keep your window unlocked."

"What?!"

"Marauder remember?"

I bit my lip in anticipation.

"You have no idea what it does to me when you do that…" He groaned, pushing his lips harder against mine.

"Oy! No public snogging!" Sirius chimed in with his arm over Charlotte and Remus.

"That's rich coming from you." Charlotte said, "We're we just out there snogging?"

"All three of you!?" I asked.

"No!" They yelled in unison.

Well, not Sirius, he just smirked, "Why Lily would that turn you—"

James cleared his throat, "I was not snogging, I was merely saying goodnight. Which I will now do you and then go to bed."

Sirius puckered up. James slapped the back of his head and called him a prat.

"Oh and Charlotte?" He yelled from the staircase.

"Yeah?"

"Watch out for Jinkins."

She nodded, "Yea, he's a creeper."

Sirius shook his head. "He's more than that…he's like a…defilementor."

"Good word!"

"I try, I try." He said while taking bows.

I laughed and went upstairs, quickly trying to change before James got there.

"Jesus Lily…" He said as my top had left my body. He came at me then, his hand everywhere.

"Lily…Lily let me…"

"Let you what James?" I said in a breathy voice, my fingers digging at his body. Clawing at his back as I made his shirt rise up, I wanted our bare chests to touch each other, to feel his abs against me. I wanted to feel his warmth. He was pushing me towards my bed, having already taken off my bra, his hands traced every inch of my torso.

"God, I missed you," His mouth in captured on my nipple, making me arch into his body. He groaned and pushed me on the bed, grinding his hips against mine.

Unfortunately when we fell on the bed we made a very loud nose and the canopy rumbled. Things from my nightstand fell onto the floor and onto us.

"Whoops…" We both began laughing. I put my quill back on the night stand and then it hit me.

The letter.

Hayden.

James suddenly stopped moving and the smile from his face drained.

I saw that he was holding the one secret that I'd ever kept from him.

His mouth fell more each line he read.

"What the hell is this?!"

**Every couple has their problems…though a hunky, dark, tale, handsome, sweet talker normally isn't one of them….**

**Thank you for all the reviews! **

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	4. Entry4

Entry 4

_James suddenly stopped moving and the smile from his face drained._

_I saw that he was holding the one secret that I'd ever kept from him._

_His mouth fell more each line he read. _

"_What the hell is this?!"_

I literally sat there for a whole moment just wishing the world would swallow me whole.

No such luck.

"It's a letter."

"Don't be a smart ass. What the hell is this, Lily?"

"Look, after the party he sent me a letter and I was feeling a bit lonely so I wrote back to him, nothing nice, in fact I wrote to tell him off a few times because he insulted you—"

"Because he wants to get your pants!"

"—and I never planned on meeting him or anything, I was just never going to reply."

"It says 'in our letters' so you were talking to him for a while." He looked at me, something in his eyes changed.

"Yes…"

"About what?"

"About my day."

"Let me get this straight. I go a few days without acting like a love sick puppy and not falling all over you, and you go and start flirting and sending letters to some other sodding bloke from Durmstrang!? Am I not allowed to have a life other than focusing on you for a few bloody days?!"

"It—It wasn't like that! I was just lonely, Melanie and Charlotte were off Remus and Sirius all the time and James you barely even spoke to me! I wasn't going to turn down someone who at least acted like they cared!"

As soon as I said it I regretted it.

James got stood upright and looked like he was about to scream. I was thankful I had already put up a protect charms so that no one by myself would hear it.

"'someone who at least acted like they cared.'"

"James—James that, that isn't what I meant—"

He laughed bitterly, "What is it that you mean, then?"

"I meant—I meant that I just wanted someone to ask me how my day went! No one was even bothering to look up when I sat at the dinner table!"

"You're being over dramatic."

We were quiet for a long, overstretched moment. I said in a half whisper, "I love you."

"Do you?" His voice was low and defeated, yet with a touch a bitterness. I was sitting on my bed, I had subconsciously moved my blankets to cover my bare torso.

"Yes, I do." A few tears escaped and I hastily moved to wipe them away.

James beat me to it. His beautiful big hands caressing my face, he was inches from it.

"You said you did not plan to meet him?"

"Never."

"And how will I believe you?"

I bit my lip, "You just have to know that I love you and I wouldn't try to purposely hurt you."

He nodded his head briefly. "Well you did."

"How could I have ever known you were going to come in here and—"

"Catch you act it? You knew the moment you touched your quill to paper that any word you ever said to him would hurt me."

My tears now fell at a rapid speed and James made no move to wipe them away.

Instead he stood, feeling his point was made, and was about to leave when I said, "And what's your excuse?"

"Pardon?"

"For ignoring me for a few days? Maybe I would have burned his first letter if you would have bothered to remember I existed."

"Lily, I always remember you. You're the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. I cherish your every heart beat, every breath, and every moment you look at me. Don't you know how much I already worry that one day you'll wake up and not want me anymore? I would do anything for you. I've tried to know everything I could about you since the first day on the train. Maybe I had some things going on in the last couple days so you forgot what its like when I'm not there to dote on your need, droll over your every word. So my excuse? Its life, Lily. I had some things on my mind. But you know that no matter what, my first priority is you." He opened my window, stepping through it, "If you want to throw all that away for Hayden Cross, fine. I've had enough of your abuse."

And then he promptly left me, sobbing uncontrollably on the bed.

"_Incendio," _the letter burst into flames.

_January 15,_

I talked to Remus, apparently James is giving me time to 'think everything over.'

But I don't want to think everything over, I don't want him to think everything over and realize what a horrible bitch I am and how much better he can get!

The words his said to me are ringing in my head, likely to never go away.

How could I have been so _stupid_?

_January 16,_

James wants to meet with me, I'm really scared. I don't know if I can face him. What if he breaks up with me?

The note said to go to the common room at 12, its 11:50. I wish it wasn't so dark out there. I though that the full moon was near, I don't understand how it can be so overwhelming dark out there. Or maybe it was just my mood making the grounds outside my window looking gloomier.

Its time.

* * *

Wow. Flashback…

I walked down the stairs and saw James waiting in front of a roaring fire, he obliviously re-lit it.

That at least meant that he was planning on us being here a while and he wouldn't break up with me right away, I had some time to plead my case.

He didn't seem to sense I was there and I put my hand on his shoulder.

"James?" He turned and looked at me, the light of the fire reflected in his glasses.

"James I am so sorry! I am such an idiot! Please, don't—don't, please stay with me!" I had tears running down my face again, breaking my resolve not to cry in front of him already.

"What?" He looked bewildered. "Please stay with you?"

"I-I don't know what I'm going to do, if-if you don't w-want me anymore!" Sobs escaped me and James shot out of the chair.

"What?! Not want you anymore?"

I looked up at him, was he mental? Did he not remember the fight we had?

I bit my lip to stop from sobbing more and said, almost fearful of the response I would hear, "B-but don't you—my dorm—all those things you said…how you cant take more of my abuse? James I'm so sorry—"

"Didn't you hear everything else I said?" He looked bemused.

I turned my head slightly, what was he on about? I had been hearing him for days in my head. Running over the whole thing constantly in my mind.

"Lily, I love you. I'm not going to ever stop wanting you."

My wail ripped my chest and I ran toward him arms out, then I hesitated before actually touching him.

"Lily…I need to talk to you though."

"Your not going to break up with me are you?"

"No, I'm not." He took one of my hands and led me to sit next to him. "Lily, I know this is going to be a lot to ask of you…"

"Its fine, whatever it is."

He smiled a little at me, "I need you to not talk to him anymore."

"I already stopped. I sent him a letter the days after and told him never to talk or speak or think of me again."

He smiled at me a little again. "And I need—I need to trust you. Having you, it seems like its not real. And I keep on thinking that at any moment you're going to find someone better—"

That's ironic, haven't I been worrying about the same thing all week?

"—and I know this is going to sound strange but sometimes I'm going to need to—need to hear it."

"Hear what? That I love you?"

He nodded.

I put my knees on either side of his legs and bent my head down to his right ear. "I love you." I kissed behind his ear, sucking his ear lobe suggestively.

I kissed down his jaw, "I love you."

My hands rested in his hair, drawing him closer to my awaiting mouth. I unbuttoned the top of his cloak, kissing everyone I could get, whispering I love you to his heated skin. I let my hips fall against his, bringing our sexes together. With a strangled cry he took my hips in his hands and pushed them tighter against his growing member. We created a torturous friction, driving me insane. Our moans of lust drowned out by the sound of the roaring fire.

"I love you James." I whispered to him, pushing his head into my cleavage, heaving already for my unsteady gasps of breath. The harder we pushed my hips down, the higher he pushed his up to meet mine. I wanted more, I wanted him so badly I felt I could cry with the need.

"Lily, we've—oh god—we've got to stop…"

I shook my head, wanting to stop was the farthest thing from my mind. The front clasp of my bra came unhooked and James soon found my nipple. I bucked into him, groaning from sheer ecstasy. "Oh Merlin, Lily—" his mouth now too busy to talk, sucked and nipped at my hardened peak, bringing me to crash into his hips harder. A fire had been growing between my legs, soaking my knickers thoroughly. I knew that only he would put out this fire. I changed the direction of my hips, I was now an inch lower and sweeping them not only up and down but toward him as well. My center hit his erection and his head snapped back in pleasure, a hissing sound coming from between his lock jaw.

"Lily—we're in the common room—" I didn't know why he wouldn't shut up. I grinded harder than ever, directly on his erection, making us both cry out. I grabbed on of his hands that held my hips and slowly dragged it down my stomach to my waist, under my bottoms, and then finally, under my knickers.

"See how wet you make me?" I let go of his hand now, he knew what to do from here.

An idea struck me; I would make sure he felt I only wanted him.

I leaned my mouth down to his ear, panting, moaning his name as two fingers slid within me.

His thumb gave a flick to my clit. And I bit his earlobe in retaliation. "No one else can make me act this way James. No one else would I let finger fuck me in the Gryffindor Common Room." For a moment there I thought that might not have been a good idea to say considering moment ago he had wanted to stop, but this seemed to spur him along further. Plunging deep inside me with his long, thick, strong fingers. I bit my lip harder, moaning straight into his ear. Bucking against his hand, I needed to find release.

"I need you James, don't you know that? I need your body right now, I need how your body gives me pleasure. Only you James, I only want pleasure from you…"

He pinched my clit and the pressure and slight pain made me wetter by tenfold. His other hand now moved to my breast, treating my nipple the same way as my clit.

"Look at what you do to me James. Look what has become of me. I'm writhing against you, begging for you to let me come."

He whimpered, and I could tell he bucked his hips in a desperate need as well. I hadn't thought about that.

I cautiously reached down stroked him, even through all his clothing I felt him pulsing under my touch.

He had a roar of pleasure and his eyes shut tightly.

"_Lily_," His hand momentarily stopped, then he forced three long, wide fingers deep within me, jerking to all the sides. Stretching me in the most pleasurable way.

I stroked his again, my thumb brushing against the head longer than the rest of his shaft, by instinct. He shuddered against me, "Merlin…"

"James…James please…" I could barely think through my pleasure, could barely breathe from it. "James I love you and I need you. I'm going to come, come because of you. Because of how much pleasure you're giving me. You're the first to really touch me. To claim me as yours…"

As soon as his thumb began swirling itself against my clit, I knew I was a goner.

Stars shot above me and bit on my lip so hard I swore I drew blood trying to keep my scream at bay.

I stayed there panting for at least another moment. Then looked up from James's shoulder and gazed him, a grin on my slightly bleeding lip. James lifted his wand to my lips and murmured something and it was a good as new.

"Thank you."

"Of course."

"You didn't—?"

"No, don't worry about. I'll finish upstairs."

The idea of him going upstairs and touching himself with the memory of what just happened made me bite my lip to not moan at the thought.

He looked at me curiously, "You like that don't you?" He looked almost awed. I bashfully nodded my head, red as a tomato.

"You like the idea of me touching myself because of you?"

Uh. YEAH.

I nodded again.

He chuckled against me, and for a moment I thought he was laughing at me, but instead he said, "Well, I got news for you, I do it everyday."

**I apologize! I know its Monday….But hopefully this chapter made up for it!**

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	5. Entry5

Entry 5

I got to thinking about it and I hadn't seen Hagrid since before Christmas break!

So today I went down to Hagrid's hut for some hot tea and inedible rock cakes. Bless him.

"Lily! I was wonderin' when yeh'd come down and see me!" I hugged my favorite half giant and sighed, I had missed him.

"How are you Hagrid?"

"Eh, pretty good, took Fang out for a walk last night in the forest and—an' visited an ol' friend."

"Oh, who?" I sat sitting down in one of the oversized chairs.

He fussed over the stove with a kettle and getting cups, he seemed to have gone mysteriously deaf to my question.

"I heard 'bout yeh and James, took yeh two long enough!" He laughed and I blushed.

"Yeah, he's been a great boyfriend, actually."

"A'Course he is! Yeh shoudda seen 'im when he'd come down to my hut a last year! He was the biggest mess, if I ever seen one! 'Oh Hagrid she hates my guts.' He was moping around my hut for a few good hours."

I held my head down in shame, "then what happened?"

"Well Sirius and them came down and dragged him out, apologizing to me about letting him get away. If yer ask me, he'd had a little too much of whatever he was drinking ter ease the pain."

It was quiet for a moment then I asked him about his new Jinky Finks I saw earlier roaming around and the subject was yet again unsubtly changed.

* * *

"Hey Lils, where have you been?" Charlotte asked from Sirius lap.

"Oh I was down in Hagrids Hut."

"Damn, wish you'd invited me to come, I haven't gone down there in edges." James said.

"You just don't want to see Charlotte and Sirius snogging." Remus said with a snigger.

"I'll have you know we are not _snogging._ We happen to be innocently _cuddling."_

Everyone rolled their eyes at Sirius, who grinned. "Now, if you do want to see some snogging I'd be more than happy to oblige…" Sirius continued

"C'mon James, lets go for a walk."

He nodded and grabbed his cloak and my hand. "Where to, love?"

"Well…."

So we ended up laying under the big tree by the lake. It was downright freezing, but James made a ball of blue fire hover near us. I was lying on top of him and looked up to his handsome face. He had a strange look on his face, and it wasn't a good strange look.

"James? Whats wrong?"

"I have a really bad feeling…"

"Like what?"

"Like…like something really bad is going to happen…"

I sat up and put one of my hands on his face. "Why?"

"I—I don't know…but I feel like something bad, something horrible…." He trailed off, almost as if whatever he was feeling was too awful to voice.

"Hello." A girl said from behind a tree, she looked really young and had blonde pig tails swinging with her every step.

"Hello…? Who are you?"

"I'm Helga."

"Did you need something Helga?" How annoying of this little girl. I wanted to talk with James, he looked like he was going to be sick.

"Well, yeah, kinda. My brother just got pulled into the black lake by the giant squid." She looked positively delighted.

"WHAT?!"

She giggled.

What the fuck?

James and I lept up and ran over to where the little girl was pointing.

The water looked like it had never been disturbed.

She giggled again.

"Was that a joke?!"

She giggled and nodded, "got you!"

We gaped at her.

"20 points from Slytherin! And a detention."

Now she gaped at me. "It was a joke!"

"Well that should teach you not to do something that foolish ever again!"

I looked over at James to see why he want backing me up in this argument, but James wasn't there. He was on the ground.

"James!" I leaned over his body, shaking him, trying to get him to wake up.

He wouldn't.

I looked up to make the girl go get help but she was no where in sight.

I was shaking and trying to hold my wand steady so I could float him to the hospital wing.

"James! James wake up!"

Finally I got him to the hospital wing and Madame Pomfrey came ushering toward me.

"What happened?"

"He—He was talking about how he felt like something bad was going to happen and some stupid little girl came over told him that her brother was in the lake but he wasn't and when I was yelling at her I looked over and he was just—on the ground unconscious!" I said this all in one breath.

"Oh my...well lay him on the bed now dearie." She forced me out and I could have sworn that she called Dumbledore once I was outside the door.

I ran to the Gryffindor common room and everyone immediately knew something was wrong.

"Where's James?" Sirius asked standing up.

"He's in the hospital wing!"

So I retold the whole story and at the end everyone was deeply thinking.

"There's something defiantly dodgy about the little girl….Helga from Slytherin? I would have thought she'd be from Hufflepuff.

"Every weird that James thought that something horrible was going to happen, do ya think he was thinking about himself?"

"It didn't seem so," I answered, "I think he was thinking more in the grand scheme of things. Or it was about someone family…I don't know."

"So, what does this mean?" Melanie said, who was sitting by the fire.

Peter who was sitting next to Mel said that he thought James wouldn't talk about himself like that, it must have been about one of us, or our families…"

Not mine, I thought sadly.

Everyone looked around at each other, as if they were expecting one of us to fall over dead.

* * *

I tried to visit James earlier but they wont let me, they said the ward was closed for visitors until further notice.

"What the hell does that mean? Do you think he was cursed?" I asked Charlotte during Charms.

"All I know is that everyone around here is freaking out and thinking that You-Know-Who is behind it."

"What if he is?" Melanie asked looking deeply worried now.

"And what about that girl, has anyone seen her lately?"

"Miss Evans?"

"Sorry Professor."

"No, I mean yes, don't talk in my class, but Professor Dumbledore would like a word with you."

Whispers erupted across the classroom. I looked at Mel and Charlotte, they looked at shocked as anyone.

I slowly walked up to the big gargoyle and said "freckle lollipops."

I knocked on his door and he beckoned me inside.

"Ahhh, Miss Evans. How are you?" He stood to greet me, and motioned for me to sit in the chair in front of his desk.

"I'm—er, well I'm not good actually."

"I would assume so, how is James?"

My temper came bursting out of me, "I don't know! They wont let me in the hospital wing to even see him! How dare they—"

"I apologize, I fear that it was my fault that you are not able to see him."

"Why?"

"Well, it seems that James had stumbled along some very dark magic. He is going to be sent to St. Mungo's today, we have done all we can for him here."

I gaped openly at him. What?!

"Now, I have asked you here today to tell me exactly what happened to James, and the moments leading up to his…collapse."

I told him everything, moment to moment and gave a detailed description 'Helga' (if that was even her real name.)

"Thank you Lily. This has helped tremendously. Now I will let you go and see him, and in 15 minutes or so Charlotte and the rest of the marauders and probably Miss Melanie as well will join you."

I bolted out of the chair about to run to the hospital wing, but then I turned around.

"There isn't a Helga in Slytherin is there?"

He sighed and shook his head no, "I'm afraid there's not."

I was quiet for a moment, I was between the two doors. "You know who is it, don't you sir?"

He almost grinned at me, "Yes Lily, I know who it is."

I looked at him crestfallen, "But—But then why haven't you—?"

"You're just going to have to trust me on this one. Now go to him."

I sprinted to the hospital wing and Madame Pomfrey let me in without too much of a lecture.

"James!" I gasped. He looked almost green. He was sweaty from a fever, I assumed, and his eyes were glazed over with a mist of grey.

"Oh James…"

He seemed to recognize my voice and groaned.

"Am I allowed to touch him?"

She nodded and closed the curtains around us for privacy.

I began to cry and try not to hold his hand so tight it would bruise. That turned out to be very difficult.

"James, I love you so much. I love you so, so much. Now I want you to promise me that you are going to be alright. And you are going to come back to me good as new and—and then we'll be together all next year. Then we'll get a flat together and get married and have a little baby boy named Harry and it's all going to be ok, all right? Because I really love the name Harry, have I ever told you that?" I was sobbing now, my other hand stroking his damp face. "James…Please, I love you."

I knew they'd be taking him soon to St. Mungo's so I told him over and over again how much I loved him while tear rained down my face.

After a while Charlotte and Melanie along with all the marauders came. Only six visitors where allowed so Melanie just held his other hand for a moment and told him she knew he would get better and be alright. Then she went back to class.

We all sat around him for a while, then Madame Pomfrey came and said they had to go.

Soon we all were in the great hall eating dinner, though we weren't laughing or smiling. The empty seat next to me left us all with a sense of boding evil.

I looked around the Great Hall, could the little 'Helga of Slytherin' imposter be sitting with us?

**Happy Sunday to all of you!**

**So…the new plot, a bit trippy isn't it? Well, most good stories are! **

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	6. Entry6

Entry 6

**Hello everyone, I'm really sorry about not updating last Sunday. I did a lot of thinking about this story and realized that I used to really look forward to Sunday so I could update and now I'm dreading it. So, I did some serious fanfiction soul searching and I decided that **_**I'm going to end this story.**_

**But not until February 14, in other words **_**next Sunday.**_

**However, I'm going to start another story title **_**Lily Bound**_** the Sunday following Valentines Day, it will be in James Point of View. Much like the entry I had in The Journal where it was JPOV.**

**Thank you so much for your support and I promise that by the end of this entry the plot that most of you hate will be over and done with. **

**Happy Reading!**

Helga, Helga, Helga.

The name has been running through my head since the night it happened. It has been two weeks since James was attacked. Charlotte was taken from school that next day and I haven't heard from her or James. I have heard no replies from any of the letters I have written. Nor have I seen Dumbledore. He seemed to have gone missing since that night. I wish he would turn up so I could ambush him and demand answers. I have a suspicion that he is off somewhere that has something to do with James, or Helga, or You-Know-Who.

Hell, maybe Helga is You-Know-Who.

I don't know what's going on.

I've basically been held up in my room for the last two weeks.

I'm getting really fucking fed up. First my fucking parents get taken from me and now fucking James. I don't know how I'm supposed to just take this.

McGonagall talked to me after class today and told me to keep my head up and that I'd be able to see him soon.

'Soon' how very non-vague of her.

Whatever.

Fuck my life.

*******************************St. _Mungos**********************_

I'm sitting beside James right now. He fell asleep around an hour ago. It was so wonderful to see him. He looks so much better. McGonagall told me this morning at breakfast to go pack some clothes and toiletries for two days and one night and be at her office in 30 minutes. I was bewildered and worried, every possible horrible tragedy that could have happen ran through my mind. Was James alright? Was James—James had to be alive, right? What if it wasn't about James, what if Petunia is hurt now? What if I was in danger? What if this; what if that; every 'what if' ran through my mind.

Then when I arrived, paler than usual, only to be told I get to visit James.

I stepped into the fireplace and after deciphering the map finally got to see him.

"James!" I yelled and ran toward him. He smiled brightly and accepted me into his arms.

"Lily…" He breathed into my hair, and I nuzzled his neck, realizing for the first time just how much I had missed him. I began to sob and he rubbed my back soothingly, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

"I—I was so scared!" I sobbed, crawling into his hospital bed. "I—I didn't know if you'd be alright, or what-what was going to happen. You just went here and I couldn't see you and I didn't know if you were alright or—or even _alive_!"

"Sssh, Lily Flower, its alright, I'm alive, I'm almost completely healthy, I get to get pudding every day. Its all going to be alright. We'll get to buy a flat and get hitched and have baby Harry."

My sobbing ceased to sniffles in my embarrassment. "You heard me?"

"Lils, I just had a fever, I wasn't unconscious."

"Oh." I said softly. How mortifying!

"Don't be embarrassed. I've wanted to hear you say that for years." I still hid my incredibly red face on his neck. My legs were curled up next to him and I tried to put as minimal amount of pressure on his body in case it hurt him. "And I really like the name Harry too."

"You do?"

"But only if his name is Harry James Potter."

"Alright, only if our little girls middle name is Lily."

"Now, wait a minute, how many kids are we going to have?"

"Well, I don't know, maybe two or three."

"How about five?"

"_Five?!_" I yelped. My poor vagina.

He snorted with laughter, "Just kidding sweetheart."

"Jerk!"

"You know you love me."

"No I don't."

"You know you do."

"Nope, not at all."

He began to kiss my neck, "Well _I_ love _you_."

I sighed, "Yea, I guess I kinda do love you."

"Kinda?"

"It comes and goes."

He feigned a scandalized look.

"Alright, alright, I love you."

"Admit it; you can't imagine a day without me."

"No," I looked at him with true feeling, throwing away my joke and complying with honesty. "I really can't James. But the next time some crazy ass dark wizard hexes you and you scare me like that again, I might not be able to handle it again. I—I don't know what I'd do with out you James, especially with my parents now gone…"

"Sssh, Sweetheart, we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. I know we'll bicker and have our moments but we'll always love each other. We'll watch our kids grow up, then we'll get to see our beautiful grandkids and I'll get to threaten all my son-in-laws. Sirius will be Harry James Potter's godfather, and Charlotte will be the godmother for Haven't-decided-first-name Lily Potter. Oh, _Lily_ _Potter_. That does sound lovely doesn't it…?"

I laughed at his crazy rant, loving every word of it. "Yes, it does have a ring to it." I agreed with a chuckle, tears were swimming in my eyes.

"Oh James, I never used to cry this much, I swear…"

"Psff, it's just because you're so happy you're finally wrangled me into dating you." He said with a chuckle.

"You—"

"Er—Sorry to interrupt…" Professor Dumbledore was standing in the doorway. "And it does seem that I have interrupted in a _moment_…But this is quite important, and I don't have that much time…"

"No, no, Professor, please come in, have a seat." I immediately jumped off James's bed and retrieved a chair for him.

"Firstly, I need to apologize to both of you for keeping you in the dark. I know it must have been horrible, but I needed to do some things before I explained everything to you." I sat on the end of James's bed, yet still managed to hold his hand for support.

"Now, the girl named Helga who came to you James shortly after you were attacked was meant to be a distraction. You were attacked before 'Helga' came to you, though she was an accomplice." James and I looked at him with complete attention. "James you were cursed using the _Uimpiverious _curse, it is extreme dark magic. To curse you the person must have been next to you, and must have given you a potion 24 hours before whoever it was used the curse on you."

"But sir what exactly does that uimpivues, or whatever—thing do?"

"Kills the victim," He answered simply. We sputtered.

"But, sir, how am I alive…?"

"Yes, that is very curious isn't it? I suspect that the person who gave you the poison is not very skilled with the dark arts and did not know that he or she needed to curse you exactly 24 hours after they gave you the poison. So instead it knocked you out cold, as you experienced, then it give you the flu symptoms, followed shortly by strange, horrifying dreams, which you unfortunately had to go through."

James gave a shaky laugh, "Lot better than dieing,"

Dumbledore laughed as well, but I was still white as a ghost. "Some one wanted to kill him, sir?"

Their smiles vanished, "Yes, I'm afraid so."

We were all silent for a moment.

"Who would want to kill me sir?"

"That is a very complicated matter James and I am so truly sorry that I can not tell you exactly. I have a fairly accurate idea on who it was, but no proof. So, I apologize once more and ask you to please know that I have made sure you are as safe as ever and the lax of security that has happened two weeks ago will not happen again." He stood to leave, "Wishing you the best." He flicked his wand toward the empty vase on James's nightstand, which instantly filled with lilies, said adieu and left.

I looked at James, "Well that was informative."

"Yeah, now we know someone is trying to do me in."

After Dumbledore's visit we talked for a few more hours, and then he fell asleep, which is when I started writing this entry. After he had fallen asleep I went to go get a cup of hot tea and was in line ready to pay for it when all of the sudden someone tapped me on the shoulder.

Mrs. Potter stood in front of me, a sad smile on her face.

"Lily, it's so good to see you."

"Mrs. Potter!" I hugged her tightly, "How are you holding up?"

"Oh, a lot better. I just talked to Dumbledore and he explained some things to us. George is up there with James now, he's still asleep. Charlotte had to use the restroom but she will be with us soon. Oh dear, how are you?"

"I'm alright I guess. I just don't know why all this stuff keeps happening to the people I love—"

Yes, I did just drop the L word in front of his mother.

I stopped dead in my sentence. I looked up at her worriedly.

"Oh honey do you honestly believe that we don't know how much you two love each other?"

"No…" She placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go up and see if George has awoken him yet. You'd think his father would let him sleep but you know how it is."

I smiled, "Thanks Mrs. Potter,"

"Please call me Rose,"

"Thanks, er—Rose."

She smiled and led me up to the hospital room.

When we reached the door, Rose touched my arm to stop me for a moment.

"Lily, McGonagall asked me if you could stay with us but George, Charlotte, I have been taking shifts to stay with James…would you mind staying tonight?"

She had a very familiar twinkle in her eye, and I had the impression that she wasn't going to take no for an answer.

And I didn't intend to give her one.

**Alright, I shall see you all again on Valentines Day when this story will end. Look for "Lily Bound" though =)**

**That's the end of the plot, for now at least. **

**THANK YOU!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	7. Entry7

**SOOO SORRY! I really am stupid, I finished this chapter at like 3 am and uploaded it and everything and then DIDNT UPDATE MY STORY! I blame the AMAZING Harry/Ginny fic on the site sink into your eyes called One Look, it is...out of this world. The reason why this story is not "complete" is at the end =)**

Entry 7

**Song for Entry 7 is Madame Butterfly, go check it out and listen to it while you read this chapter if you can!**

Happy Valentines Day!

I've noticed something, today doesn't suck when you're in a relationship. I've never had this feeling before. It's a very nice feeling. And I sense that next year is going to be even better because my boyfriend won't be in St. Mungos for it… But all things considered, he still kicked ass on Valentines Day.

Most women expect chocolates, or flowers, or an overly sappy card that they half way mean. And that is from a completely healthy boyfriend, or husband, or whatever. However, my boyfriend of two months, mind you, that is in the HOSPITAL still manages to out do himself and completely seduce me.

Seduce me so thoroughly that I almost shagged him on his hospital bed.

If only that Healer hadn't walked in…

Alright, alright, I give in, journal. I'll give you a FLASHBACK!

I woke up with a large pain in my neck from the awkward position on his bed. Yes, I slept in his bed. Of course I did. I mean, honestly, did anyone expect anything less? Journal if you saw this sexy hunk of a man, you'd wanna sleep in his bed too.

I started rubbing my neck and looked up to my fine piece of man, and he was fast asleep. Scruff was beginning to grow on his jaw line and neck, which, to my amazement, made him look even sexier.

I couldn't resist rubbing my fingers gently against his ruff jaw, unfortunately it woke him. He turned his head slowly in my direction, a faint look of annoyance festering on his face.

"Sorry, go back to sleep, baby."

"Nnn uh."

I softly laughed, and sshed him, I tried to get out of the bed to maybe go get us some tea but his arm around me tightened and held my body to his. My neck screamed in pain, but I didn't complain. I would stay in his bed all day.

I snuggled into his chest, trying to move my neck so he wouldn't notice. His many years of stalking me, alerted him to my discomfort and he reached behind him to give me his neck pillow, while his left hand softly massaged my neck.

"Mmm, thank you."

"Happy Valentine's Day."

"Oh my Merlin! Is it really?"

He laughed at me, "You didn't remember?"

"No! I've been so frustrated with not knowing anything about you and if you were ok, that the upcoming date escaped my mind! I didn't get you anything! I feel horrible!"

"Don't worry about it, Lils. The guy is supposed to give something, not the other way around."

"No! Its our first Valentine's Day and I should have done something to prove how much it really means to me to have you in my life."

He looked at me for a long time. The look on his face was indescribable. It was even more intense than the looks he used to give me, the ones that felt as if he were seeing into my soul. This look was, if possible, more than that. It was like he was having a life altering epiphany, or as if he'd gotten 20 O.W.L.S. A look of complete disbelief and awe; I was witnessing some kind of life changing moment.

"Lily—that was all the Valentine's Day gift I need."

"What?"

"I've waited so long to have you in my life, to realize how perfect we are for each other. I've hoped for so long that you'd just wake up and love me, and now to hear you say that it just—" He looked at a complete loss for words.

So I just attacked his mouth with mine, and gave him a kiss he'd never forget.

He cleared his throat, and then nodded toward the small end table in front of his window. "Go open your present."

A smile broke upon my face, "How did you—?"

"Lily, you keep on forgetting I'm a marauder…" He winked and nudged me toward the elaborately decorated package.

There were also fresh red roses and Casablanca Lilies in a vase on the table.

The sly dog.

Feeling extremely girlish and giggly, I opened the gift with unneeded caution.

It was a music box. It was made of real wood that was stained a beautiful mahogany shade, with intricate drawing along the sides and lid. I opened it, guessing what song could possibly be played.

"Madame Butterfly" filled the room. Tears filled my eyes instantly. My mother used to sing this while she cleaned the house. I had told James about it at their funeral. The nagging feeling of loss that had been at the back of my mind for the last few days sprang to life. I missed the over sized cards my parents would give me, and the chocolate cookies my mum would send me. My sobbing on increased once I looked down into the box and saw that a ring lay in the box.

A diamond ring.

"Now don't get the wrong idea. I couldn't get down on one knee if I wanted to." I managed a chuckle. "It was my mothers, and I thought that since you mother cant be here for you in the physical world at least, I wanted to give you something of my mothers, so that you could know that you will always have—"

The boy talked too much. I ran over and kissed him again, though this time I kissed him like a starving person finding a feast. I devoured his mouth and clawed at his back. I was an animal with him. My emotions took a hold of my being and wouldn't let go. My sensible side was being was being thrown in a dumpster somewhere by my wild and crazy side.

I crawled on top of his lap, straddling my legs on each side. I gave his a lingering kiss on his lips, then slowly began to move my lips down his jaw line. His shadow tickled my lips with the most delicious sensation. I kissed below his ear, sucking at his skin lightly. He shuddered, and his hands pressed my hips more forcefully against him.

"Lils—"

My hands traced against his collar bone and pecks, tantalizing his exposed skin. The lower my hands trailed, the most labored our breaths became. My fingers grazed right below his belly button, I loved the feeling of his muscles contradicting beneath my ministrations. "Oh bloody Hell…." I grinded my hips against his growing arousal. I loved the feeling of what I did to his body. I loved feeling the effects my actions caused him; I loved the way his muscles moved due to my touch, and the way he moaned and groaned from his pleasure I gave him.

"James…" I moaned as his hands snuck around to my behind and gave my rear a massaging squeeze.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted you…"

"I'd imagine since you were around 11…"

"Hmmm, you're surprisingly…Merlin…correct." I bit his shoulder, and now began to kiss away the red mark that was already showing there.

"I'm always…hmmm…correct." He arched up against me, making my head fall back in lust.

"I want you…I want you so much Lily…"

I rocked my hips against his, pushing him back unto the bed, his arched more forcefully against me.

"You're not…supposed to strain you're self…" I tried to remind him.

"Bit too late for that sweetheart…" I laughed at his ability to make an innuendo while I could clearly feel him pulsing with need underneath me. I rolled my eyes at him. Boys will be boys.

His hand that had been exploring under my shirt, slipped under my bra. In an instant, I was doubled over in pleasure, moaning into shoulder, as he pinched and pulled at my nipple. My hips grinding into his in a hard rhyme, making us both pant with need.

"Off," he said, slipping my shirt and bra off in one fell swoop, leaving us both shirtless. Moaning at the contact of our bare chests touching each other, I started for the removal of his pants next.

"Well, Merlin's pants…." I hears someone say at the door. "How come things never happened to me when _I _was sixteen??" I gasped and reached for my shirt. The Healer stood in the doorway, turned the wrong way to give me enough privacy to get my bra and shirt back on. When I gave the clear he walked into the room and stood next to James. He was an elderly man, and a bit out of weight, he seemed hearty and happy just to be alive. "Sorry, Kid." He said to James, while putting a hand on his shoulder. "Had to go over some thing with you. Miss—er?"

"Lily Evans."

"The girlfriend?"

"Yes, sir."

He looked down at the music box with the diamond ring inside it, and let out a slow whistle, "A girlfriend to a boyfriend with taste…" I swore he whispered "and money" under his breath. "Anyway, Miss Evans, I'm sorry but you'll have to wait outside while I ask him these questions…"

"Of course," as I walked outside the room I heard Healer Payn say, "So, a redhead huh?"

Well, at least he didn't call me carrot top.

* * *

I was lying on top of James; it was becoming quite the habit for me, really.

"James?"

He nodded halfway; he had just taken his night potion, which included some pain killers, so he was a bit out of it.

"Why did you choose me?"

"S'what you mean?"

"Why did you chase after me all these year when you could have had any girl in school?"

"See? I was entitled to an ego, even you admit it." He grinned at me, even though his eyes were still closed.

"I'm being serious James. Sometimes, I really don't know how I deserved someone like you."

"I wouldn't be the man I am now, if it wasn't for you."

"Yes, you would. I just made it come out faster. You have always been the man I'm looking at now."

He chuckled, "No I wasn't, or you would have gone out with me a lot sooner."

I laughed as well, "It was a bit buried…but it was always there."

"I love you, Lily."

"I love you, James."

"And of course you deserve me. And I deserve you. We were meant to be."

"You think so?" I asked, leaning up to looking at his face more intently.

"Why else would I have chased after you for so bloody long? I knew something was different. I knew I felt different around you, like I wanted to be something more for you…"

And with that, he promptly fell asleep.

I stroked his face, and watched him for a few moments. He was starting to enter R.E.M. sleep, induced quickly from the potion I guess. His eye lids moved rapidly from his dream, and his mouth began to mumble, whispering my name. I smiled and leaned back down into his arms and curled up at his side. He had purposely not used his neck pillow, so I wouldn't wake up with a sore neck again.

No matter what he said, I must have done something really, _exceptionally_ great in a past life to deserve a man like James Potter.

**So, I'm at a cross roads here. AND ITS UP TO YOU!**

_**Review and tell me if you want either:**_

**This story to continue, and Lily Bound to be created, where I update on both every other week**

**OR**

_**If you want me to just end this story and post Lily Bound next Sunday.**_

**I'll leave it up to you guys, because after all, you are the people that read it =)**

**Thank you so much!**

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	8. Entry8

Entry 8

_Playlist: What's up—4 non blondes. Berlin—Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Love Letter to Japan—The bird and the Bee. Another Saturday Night—Sam Cooke. The Man that Got Away—Judy Garland _

Well. I honestly don't know what to say about my absence. I have had a lot going on. First of all, I had a huge, very public meltdown. As I had stated in other entries, I was holding in everything about my parents' death and I finally let it out.

In an I'm-Blubbering-In-Charms-Class-I-Should-Have-Worked-Through-This-Instead-Of-Just-Lusting-Over-My-Hot-Boyfriend way. It was mortifying. However, it made me face a lot of issues. So I am now moving through the stages of grief, over my mum and my dad, and Petunia, because I honestly don't see how she is ever going to talk to me again.

James as been wonderful, of course, and in fact he had realized, even before I had, that I was using his body and our new relationship to get out dealing with my emotions. So he is now refusing to do anything but cuddle with me.

Melanie has there with chocolate cake everyday, consequently making me gain 5 pounds (I have now switched to healthier binge foods) and a hug and smile whenever I need one.

Charlotte broke up with Sirius, again, so she has been my doppelganger for these last few months. I'm not sure whether she's doing this for me or herself.

Lupin and Melanie are still dating, but they're dating like ten year olds do. I remember when I went to Muggle School people were 'going out' all the time, but they never went anywhere or did anything together. I never saw the point to it. Anyway, they sometimes hold hands, and we all walk to classes together—or more accurately, they all walk _me _to class (I think they're afraid I'll wig out again) so I don't know whether they'd walk together if it wasn't for our group. They're both coming in a week.

Peter has been M.I.A. for several days at the Gryffindor table, or perhaps I should say, M.I.A. in the great hall as a whole because we've all scanned all the tables—even Slytherin—and he's nowhere in sight. I think the break up with that Hufflepuff girl hit him hard.

I'm currently staying at the huge Potter Manor. Its summer, thank Merlin, and I passed all my exams with flying colors.

There is something strange about living here. There is so much history it boggles my mind. To think how many generations of Potter's lived here is intense.

And the service! It is unbelievable. The house elves could not be nicer. One day I stumbled into the kitchen (Yes, stumbles, I was not trying to get there but this place is so huge that I managed to run into one of the FIVE kitchens). They were so sweet; it was like being back at Hogwarts!

Oh speaking of which, the reason I starting to write this in the first place is that I was made Head Girl! Isn't that awesome!

And you're never going to believe this, but James was made Head Boy! I hope it doesn't go to his head, haha. But really, I didn't know it was possible for people to become Head's if they weren't prefects, but apparently, they can! I was so proud of him.

Living here, no matter how amazing the history and the services' are, it has its draw backs. Especially, when the tension between all the teenage dramas has hit its limit and is tangible in the air. I am speaking, of course, about Sirius and Charlotte.

So this calls for a _**FLASHBACK!**_

James and I were lying on the couch, looking at the fire, just enjoying being together.

Or, at least, that's what it looked like.

"_James_," I whined. I was lying on top of him, stretched out over all of his body. For the last hour or so we had laid like this, just talking. But for the last half hour James had been slowly stroking his flowers up and down my back in a soothing way, but since he hadn't even really kissed me in months it made my skin on fire. He had just started to rub circles on the inch of skin showing from where my shirt had ridden up. It was driving me insane.

"Yes Lily Flower?" He was smirking. Damn him.

"I think you're being a little obsessive about this."

I felt him chuckling under me. "Do you?" He continued his circles.

"Yes, I do. I think its been long enough since—"

"Lily, I made a promise to you and myself that all we would do is—"

"Fine. Whatever." He cocked his eye brow at me, as if to say 'you're giving up that easy?' I gave him a bad look and he stopped his circles and pulled down my shirt.

Do you want to go to town with me? I feel like going to a muggle movie."

I stood up and looked back down at him, "Coming or not?"

"SIRIUS BLACK!" I jumped.

"Uh, Oh." We both groaned. Charlotte flew down the stair case with a letter in her hand.

"_Where is he?"_ Charlotte looked like she could kill, her normally shiny straight black hair was now frizzy and tangled, her eyes in slits, her chin was set, and her hands were shaking in fury.

"You rang" Sirius said with an air of arrogance, his carelessly handsome face in an expression of glee and exasperation as he walked into the den.

"What the _hell _is this?" She held up the letter to his face.

"Well, it appears to a letter." He smirked.

She growled at him, "You insufferable bastard, I can't believe you would stoop this low."

"What are you talking about?" His smirk faltered. His eyes squinted in confusion, so she held up the letter and began to read it out loud for all of us to hear.

"_My Dearest Charlotte, _

_I do not know if you have found out by now, but Sirius and I are dating. The other night we were out a date and he mentioned your name, this was very unsettling even when he said it with distain and accompanied it with an insult. However, I'm writing to you to make you see sense. Sirius is with me. You two have been apart for some time now, and it is clear to me that you are still not over him. I know that you two have to live in the same household, and as unfortunate as this is to Sirius—he has told me of how much you pester him—I know that you are taking advantage of the situation. You can not make him get back with you. He informed me last night that he regretted his last relationship and was much happier with me. I hope I have explained this adequately and you understand. Sirius Black is mine. He said he would take care of it, but I wanted to have my say. So, to be clear, none of your rantings or petty rows will turn your relationship with him to be anything more than it is now; a pain._

_Yours most sincerely, _

_Sheryl Baker."_

Sirius' face was pale and he seemed to be experiencing the same shock we all were.

"Charlotte—" He began.

"Don't. I don't want to hear you say my name. And I know _Sheryl _doesn't either. Even if it is said with—" She checked the letter again. "_Distain and accompanied with an insult._"

"Charlotte, you need to let me explain—" Charlotte had started to climb the stairs, she looked back, towering over him. She gave him a look to scare ninja's.

"What I need is to get away from you. So, don't worry. Consider me _taken care of._"

"No, wait." Sirius started up the stairs, but stopped dead when she turned back around and he saw that her cheeks were dripping with tears. Charlotte hated crying. Sirius looked taken aback. "Charlotte—" He put his hand out as if to wipe away her tears, but before he touched her beautiful skin she pulled back.

"Fuck you." She spat. Throwing the letter to the ground she turned and ran up the stairs.

Sirius picked up the letter and turned back to us, we both gave him bad looks. "Not you guys too. I had no idea she was going to write this." He held up the letter.

I slipped past him to go to Charlotte's room but before I was out of hear shot I heard James saying "_Sheryl Baker?_ Merlin, Sirius that is stooping low…"

_**End Flashback**_

Pretty crazy huh? If I had been in Charlotte's shoes I think I would have just attacked him. Muggle style.

So considering this entry has all been about letters (Hogwarts and Sheryl) I'll write down the letter I got from Remus and the letter I got from Melanie. It's hilarious.

"_Dear Lily, _

_I was just thinking the other day about Hogwarts and how we all we so happy just sitting around together. However I guess that out of the question now that Sirius and Charlotte can't be in the same room together for more than 5 minutes –lately 5 seconds—and how Mel and I are acting so weird. I honestly have no idea what to do about that situation. I told her what I am and she was fine but I feel like there is a wall between us. I also have been wondering if she met someone else. Obliviously you can't tell me anything, she is your friend, but if perhaps you could ease my mind? Or at least give me some advice. I'm coming to stay in a week, so maybe you could write back and give me some of your patented advice that will no doubt save my relationship and put me into your debt once again. _

_Sincerely,_

_Remus."_

And Melanie's:

"_Dear Lily,_

_I was thinking about how last year was so great with the group together, all friends and dating. Too bad that won't happen again. Charlotte and Sirius are getting a bit out of hand if you ask me. Sirius is being such an ass hole. Sorry about my language. _

_Speaking of which, (ass hole's that is) Remus has only written me 3 letters since we've been home! Do you think he's seeing some one else? I think he is. I know he's bound to get many offers, being so sexy and a marauder. Next thing you know Sirius and Remus will be going on double dates! (With girls as their dates, obliviously. I don't know why I felt the need to clarify that. It is modern times I suppose)._

_Anyway, see you in a week and keep clear from Sirius and Charlotte!_

_Love Always,_

_Mel."_

If they don't belong together, I'll eat the sorting hat.

**There are no excuses except life. **

**I truly am sorry for my 5 month absence but I'm back now =) I promise. I wrote this today and just couldn't wait until Sunday. **

**Hope you enjoyed the playlist!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	9. Entry9

Entry 9

**I recommend listening to "One Line" by PJ Harvey. It is AMAZING.**

I am outside in the beautiful rose garden—as opposed to the other 5 gardens around the house. It smells mouth watering. It is located in a court yard at the center of the Manor and archways ordain the entryways to its beauty. They have also put up twinkling lights every where so at night it looks magical. Sirius said yesterday that if he was ever hoodwinked into marriage he would want it to be in this garden. I asked if he was talking about the ceremony or the reception and he said he was insulted I would ask that since he was clearly talking about the mind blowing sex that would force him to get married for repeats.

Typical Sirius.

Anyway, Charlotte and I went shopping yesterday and it was the most boring shopping experience of my life. The entire 3 hours was spent with Charlotte insulting Sirius, and then she turned rather ugly and started insulting _me _because I was still talking to him. That is when I drew the line and came back home.

I'm just really glad that Mel and Remus will be arriving later today. Maybe Mel can knock some sense into Charlotte.

Since she is no longer talking me.

JLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJ

Wow. I officially feel like an outcast.

James is off doing god knows what with Sirius and Remus, and Charlotte and Mel are having a full, day long 'I hate men' ranting session.

So, I'm all alone in the kitchen. It's almost midnight so I thought I could just write in here and then go to bed. SINCE NO ONE CARES!

I think I just heard someone in the living room.

Ok, I _definitely_ heard something in the living room.

I'm going to investigate. What the hell was that? It was like a large thud…

I'm going to investigate…with a frying pan for protection.

FLASHBACK!

So here I am standing in the doorway, frying pan held high, ready to jump on the intruder when he screams "Lily!"

I looked down and it was Sirius. I helped him up and we sat down on the couch.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"I came back early, James and Remus are um—elsewhere and I came back because they wanted me to come back and check on you guys and I tried to apparate in the house but I forgot about the weird protection around the house and it did something weird to my tongue and I started choking then—is that a frying pan?"

I laughed, "Yeah…I was going to hit you with it."

"Lily. You're a _wizard_."

I burst out laughing. "My wand is upstairs."

He nodded and then turned to me, suddenly very serious. No pun intended.

"Lily—about Charlotte—"

"I don't want to hear it."

"No, damn it, listen. I need you to convince her to let me talk to her."

"She won't even talk to me!"

"What? Why?"

"Because I talk to you."

"Shit. I really fucked up didn't I?"

"Understatement of the year."

We were quiet for a moment and I realized he was genuinely upset. "Sirius?"

"Lily, I-I think I love her."

Dead. Silence.

Was I hallucinating?

I had to be dreaming right?

Sirius Black saying he LOVED a girl?

I choked on my spit and starting coughing. "You _what_?"

"I think I really do, Lily. I mean, I have no idea what it feels like or anything, but I think about her all the time. That's why I started dating, so I could forget about her. That always used to work, but it didn't. I feel horrible all the time and want to talk to her and make her laugh but all I do is fuck up!" He did look miserable.

"Why don't you tell her this?"

"She wont even look at me!"

"Did you break up with whats-her-name?"

"We only went on 2 dates and I'm not talking to her anymore."

"Come on."

"Where?"

I grabbed his arm and dragged him to the stairs that lead to the west wing bedrooms.

We got to Charlotte's room and I knocked. And knocked. And knocked again.

"I know you're not asleep in there!" I yelled at the door.

Melanie answered, in a bright ass pink nightie. She leaned against the doorframe and yawned.

"We need to talk to Charlotte."

"She's not here. And I _was_ asleep thank you every much."

"Then where is she?"

"Hell if I know. She just left."

Melanie gets cranky if you wake her up.

Sirius looked like he was freaking out. "_She just left_?"

"Yes, try again later." Then she promptly shut the door in our faces.

"I have an idea." I said to Sirius.

I ran down the stairs, Sirius at my heels, all the way to the center of the Manor.

And there, in the middle of the Rose Garden sat Charlotte. The lights made her hair look like it was glistening. Sobs echoed into our ears.

"Go to her." I whispered. "Tell her, Sirius. This could be your only chance. I know Charlotte. When she has cried for a boy, let him in and he hurt her, she'll never let him again. So you better get a move on."

He looked terrified.

I shoved him to her and he walked slowly toward her. I leaned against one of the stone arches to watch them (and make sure she didn't kill him).

"Charlotte?" I heard Sirius say as it echoed along the stone walls. "Sweetheart? I am so sorry. I fucked up everything. I don't know how to do the whole relationship thing, and I know you deserve someone who does but I'll really try to learn how if you give me another chance."

"What about Sheryl?" Charlotte said tauntingly, though the affect was ruined because she let another sob rip through her.

"I only went on two dates with her, she's completely insane. I was trying to get over you, but nothing I was doing was helping. So I tried dating someone and it just made it worse. I kept on thinking about you, and how much I fucked up with you, and how happy I was with you." He was silent, the he said in a low hoarse voice, nearly breaking with emotions. "Charlotte, _please_."

Woah. Go Charlotte. She got Sirius Black to _beg_ for her.

She got up and for a moment I thought she was going to smack him—I think it crossed her mind—but instead she hugged him and wrapped her arms around him, sobbing into his chest. He held her head against him. He seemed to be just as emotional.

I jumped as I felt two arms wrap around me. I looked back and it was James. Of course.

"Crazy kids, thought they'd never get back together."

"Oh they're not back together." I turned to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"They're not?"

"Definitely not." I kissed his jaw, then slowly kissed his mouth. I pulled back and whispered to him, "Charlotte will milk him for all he's got after that monster of a letter. Then, _maybe_."

He shook his head at me, "Girls are cruel."

"And guys are dumb asses."

"Touché." I laughed and kissed him again.

"So where were you tonight?" I asked him.

"Oh, Uh, just around."

"Uh, huh, because I would obliviously believe that."

He rolled his eyes at me. "Where's Remus?" I asked.

"He's uh—"

"Wait, let me guess, he's _just_ _around_ too?" He chuckled and nodded.

I turned back around to face to Rose Garden. Sirius and Charlotte were still locked and a tight embrace. I looked up to clear sky, twinkling with thousands of stars. I smiled and shook my head.

It was full moon.

**Happy Sunday!**

**Thank you for reading! **

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	10. Entry10

Entry 10

I am so fucking sexually frustrated right now.

I think I'm going to explode into a thousand hormonal pieces.

So, I'm about to start my period and I'm having my natural instinct to fuck anything that can get me pregnant so my egg is not wasted stage which makes my normal sex drive go hyperactive. Stupid fucking biology and the cave man need to keep the race alive. I wish we could evolve so I wouldn't have this terribly annoying mood to FUCK EVERYTHING right before I get bloody and gross and bitchy and refuse to let anyone touch me!

You are not going to believe what happened. All I have to say before I have a flashback is that I better loose my damn virginity soon or I am seriously going to combust.

FLASHBACK!

_Pst!_

_Pst!_

_Pst!_

I finally convinced myself I was not dreaming and got up. I opened my door and no one was there.

_Pst!_

_Over here!_

I cocked my eyebrow and walked to my closet door.

No one.

_Lily! Bathroom!_

DUH. It was James. I assumed he would just walk right in by now. We normally sneak into one of our room every night anyway. He always refused to do anything of course, but at least we're together.

I opened my bathroom door saw James was standing in front of the sink, in a towel, half way done shaving his face. Then I heard singing. He jerked his head toward the shower.

A house elf was in the shower, singing his head off, I couldn't hear him all that well since the four shower heads droned out his little voice but I could have sworn he was singing 'cant buy me love' by the Beatles. I burst of laughing, not being able to control myself.

James, who had been biting his lip to not be heard, started laughing hysterically as well. The elf apparently couldn't hear us and keep on singing, making us laugh even harder. That's when the singing abruptly stopped and then we heard a loud _CRACK!_ and the house elf was gone.

James washed his face and tried to usher me to his room but I indicated that I needed to change, so he followed me to my room and shut the bathroom door.

"That was one of the funniest things I have ever heard!" I said, still laughing.

"That's why I wanted you to get in there! I was just shaving and then I heard some one apparate into my bathroom, I freaked and thought it was Death Eaters or something, but then I heard his little voice singing the Beatles and knew I was safe."

"Yeah, can't imagine any Death Eaters singing the Beatles."

He laughed and looked down at my clothes, they were sweats and a Keplers tee shirt, an all girl wizard band that totally kicked ass, and he smiled. "Why do you need to change?"

"Well, I thought I'd try to look a little better than _this, _" I motioned my hand up and down from my top to the sweats, "for tonight."

"And whats tonight?" He said, his voice getting huskier.

I stepped closer to him and played with his collar. "What do you want it to be?"

He groaned and stepped closer to me, grabbing my hips and pulling me closer to him. "I want you."

I looked down at him holding me tightly in place. "You've got me." I whispered coyly into his ear, biting down on his lobe. He moaned and started to push me to my plush bed.

He laid down on top of me, pushing his body into me, securing me against his growing member. I looked down and bit my lip, seeing his towel starting to slip open. I moaned as his hands found their way up my Keplers tee, I arched off the bed, trying to get him to hold me tighter, closer, harder.

He groaned into my neck, planting light kisses on any exposed skin he could find. He fondled my breasts, then circled my nipples, not touching them, like my body begged him to do, just teased me until they stood erect and desperate. Just as I knew he was.

"Lily," He suddenly let go of my breasts and reached for the bottom of my shirt, he tore it off of me, then before I could even register our skin on skin contact, his lips found my teased nipple and he suckled it with his wet mouth and tongue, while he pinched my other one. I was groaning and mindless as I thrust up against him. Anything to get closer.

"Merlin…" He moaned, finally leaving my breasts, he travels down my torso, gently kissing me, then he found my navel and my stomach clenched in anticipation, he swirled his tongue around my belly button and then slipped it inside. I grabbed his hair, tugging it, which he moaned to in response. My breathing was ragged, my body was shivering as the ceiling fan swept cool air against my teased skin as my insides were on fire.

"Lily, Lily, Lily," He chanted, his breathing hitched as he reached my hips, his face literally inches from where I wanted him. Where I had wanted him all day. All day he had teased me. Swatting my ass when I walked in front of him with too much exuberance. Pushing me onto the stone wall in the courtyard and kissing me with so much force my lips bruised in a matter of seconds, kissing me like he hadn't done in so damn long. Winking and smiling at me when he saw me walk with Melanie outside. Coming into the kitchen, dripping with sweat, holding his broomstick and giving me such a lust ridden look I nearly soaked my thighs with desire.

And now, here he is, so close to where I wanted him all day. All day I had been filled with want for him, wet with even a whiff of his scent. He slipped his tongue under the fabric, swearing with his lust.

I whimpered and prayed for mercy as his hands slowly took off my pants. His kissed every inch of me that he exposed, savoring me, worshipping me. His breathing tickled my thighs and he groaned when he could smell me through my knickers.

"Fuck, Lily…" I intended him to.

His teeth claimed the band of my panties on my hip, pulling them down too slowly. In a matter of moments we would be completely flesh on flesh. No barriers. No excuses. Nothing to stand in our way. I panted with excitement. I felt him pulsing against me. My hands gripped his hair tighter and my teeth bit my pillow to keep from scream aloud when I felt his nose skim across my clit.

He pulled my knickers completely off me, then lifted them to his mouth, he moaned and pushed his mouth up to me. "You have no idea how long I dream about tasting you." I shuddered against him, making his bit his lip to suppress a moan. "Its better than I ever imagined."

I slowly ran my hand down his torso, slightly pressing my nails against his tight skin. I finally reached his pulsing organ that stood at attention.

He leaned his head into the nook of my shoulder, breathing deeply through his nose, trying to control the pleasure shooting through him. I ran my thumb up and down his hard member, then ran my fingernail lightly across his slit, making him hiss, then I pushed my thumb on the underside of his head. He bucked into my hand, groaning. I started to pump him faster, he groaned and swore fluidly. My other hand massaged his balls, I felt him clenching under me. His cock twitched and my name fell like a prayer on his lips as he came.

He managed to keep his wait off of me by holding himself up on his elbow until he had the strength to fall beside me.

"Holy Hell, Lils." He was panting and had a dopey smile on his face. I smile at him fully, my thigh still stick with want. "Just give me minute…" Then he started laughing.

"What?" my insecurities flooded into my mind.

"I'm just trying to imagine having sex with you."

Wow. I pulled away from him, my insecurities now drowning me as horror came forefront in my mind. He didn't want me? Was this the end of the chase? Was I right after all those years? How could I have been so stupid?

He was still laughing.

He sobered up now, "Lily? Sweetheart, are you ok? You look pale, I mean paler than usual…I know you like to be called 'ivory' and all but—Lils? Whats wrong?"

I stared at him like he was a monster.

"Oh! You think—no, no, Lils, I was saying there was no way I was going to make it during sex if just a hand job felt that good. I may not be able to be a gentleman." He smiled at me, his charming smile that could make any one fall to their knees. He held my face in between his hands, his eyes searched mine.

"You still doubt me?" he whispered, his face now devastated. I shook my head no but I knew it wouldn't fool him. I had doubted him.

His eyes misted, then he pulled my naked body to his, crushing my head against his bare chest. He rocked him gently, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe.

"I don't know what to do to prove how I much I love you, Lily. I do everything I can think of and I don't think it will ever be enough. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." He rocked me harder now, frantic.

I pulled back and looked at him. We were both on our knees, looking at each other, searching each others eyes from answers we didn't know yet.

I pulled him toward me and kissed his lips softly. Letting him feel me through the kiss, feel my love.

"I'm sorry." I said lowly, against his perfect lips. He shook his head against me and laid me down again.

He slide down my body and ran his hands up and down my legs, my body remembering him and his touches. I moaned against him and he growled like an animal. He hands came at me and circled my clit, slowly, then fast, then slow, fast, slow, fast, it was maddening. I was panting in need, needing him everywhere at once. A feeling built up from my gut, it was such an intense feeling. It had surpassed desire by tenfold. I couldn't describe it. It came at me in waves of lust and love and pure need. I was wild. I kept moving as he opened my lips and took a long lick of me. His beautiful tongue spread me open for him, he tasted me and licked me dry. I withered against him as I felt two fingers slide into me, thrust in and out of me. I was so close to reaching climax. His twisted his fingers inside of me and I came in a scream, not being able to control my body at all. He licked m clean and looked up at me with a smile.

It was no where near enough. I needed more. I felt like that was just the tip of the iceberg. I needed more of him. I didn't think I could ever get enough. I reach from him and he let me flip us over, I put my pussy on top of his rock hard dick, trying to steady my uneven breath, I teased my entrance with him as my stimulator. He groaned aloud and reached behind him to the head board, almost yelling with his pleasure.

"Lils, wait, no, we can't, not, not , now, holy fuck…" I teased myself more, gravitating my hips against his erection, liquid was starting to spill from his slit, and I saw him glisten from my wetness. My lips bent down to him and I kissed him hungrily.

"Now. I want you now." My desire was burning me from the inside out, I needed him now. Every inch of my body was radiating the heat from inside me, my loins ached with need, I started to push myself down on him when his hands reached my hips and with the most tortured look I have ever seen a man give, he stopped me.

"No, Lily."

"It is too soon. I told you we wouldn't do anything until you were over their…passing. We can't. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you or something…"

And, right then and there, while I laid naked next to him, both of us naked and wanting, I started sobbing.

I cried for almost an hour, completely lost it. It was beyond horrible. A huge freaking melt down. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't stop crying.

Now I know however that it was MOTHER NATURES MONTHLY GIFT!

It I hadn't had that nightmare I would have attempted to get my fill of James, but no, instead we spent the time we should have been making love _snuggling _as I cried all over him! I'm so fucking pissed.

Anyway, so after that, he went back to his room, saying he really wanted to stay and help me if I started crying again, I had stopped for at least half an hour by now, but he said he couldn't take it anymore. So he got up, grabbed his still damp towel and walked back to his room.

That is when I went to the bathroom and discovered YOU!

Not as in you, but as in YOU my STUPID PERIOD!

Seriously loving my capital letters tonight.

So, I walked back into my room, after taking care of everything thing and getting back to 'not naked' I started to write in you, seeing if it would help anything.

It didn't.

What a shock.

But you know what is even worse that everything? Because of my over emotional state that caused my over active tear ducts to create shit loads of tears, my boyfriend will claim that I'm not ready and wont touch me for another three fucking months!

I need chocolate.

**Happy Sunday everyone!**

**Ok, really quick: A. I don't know if Keplers is a real band, made it up on the spot, so if it is and it's from the wrong time, my bad.**

**And B. DO NOT THINK YOU'RE BOYFRIEND WILL STOP YOU IF YOU ARE PUSHING FOR SEX.**

**I am getting sick of all these shows and books and shit that have the guy says no. Because in real life the chances of a teenage guy saying no is like 1 in 100 million. They do take advantage! But this is my story and James does as he is told =)**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	11. Entry11

Entry 11

So, I was walked downstairs this morning, still in my 'I declare a thumb war' tee shirt. sweats, and some extremely fury slippers, so thirsty I felt like I hadn't had anything to drink in 10 years.

Wow. That would mean I hadn't drunk anything since I was 6. Well, almost 7 since my birthday is in a week and a half.

HOLY SHIT WHEN DID IT GET TO BE AUGUST?

Oh my Merlin, it really is August 1st isn't? Holy fuck.

Sorry, I digress.

But back to this morning…

FLASHBACK!

I walked down to kitchen (not the huge one the house elves have, but the normal one that we can cook food for ourselves in, the one that is by the nice cozy den we all chill in…anyway) And Charlotte and James were in there, while James attempted to make pancakes. I say _attempting_ because apparently the pancake mix box was expired and he had to make it from scratch.

I felt like I was in potions. His 'pancake mix' was lumpy, and a sickly light _green_. How?

I have no idea.

"James, damnit, just get a house elf to make them for you,"

"No! I can make fucking pancakes by myself!"

"Someone is cranky this morning…" Charlotte muttered.

COULD IT POSSIBLY BE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET LAID LAST NIGHT?

You know the other night when my mother fucking period got in the way? Well, last night we were all hot and heavy, just like that night, we were panting and sweaty and acting like the horny little teenagers we are when he goes and says 'that this isn't the time.' And leaves!

What the fuck does that mean? I am _fucking_ ready! I am ready to be _fucking_!

What does that mean, it isn't the right time? It isn't the right time for what? Making pancakes? Yes, I agree with you there, but it is SO time for James Matthew Fucking Potter to be fucking his totally fuckable girlfriend!

What if I'm not fuckable?

Oh my god, what if he is gay! I always thought that Sirius and James were a little _too_ close, you know what I mean? What if when he said 'its not the right time' he was thinking 'its not the right time to tell you I'm actually gay."

Which, I am ashamed to admit, but will tell you because you are a journal and therefore can not judge me, the thought of James and Sirius being together, as in _together _is actually really hot.

I am such a perv! I can't believe I wrote that. But seriously, you trying to imagine smoking hot Sirius all over Smug sexy James and tell me you don't get hot and bothered…holy shit…way too dirty images are running through my mind right now…

Eek! Hyperventilating now…I hope no one ever reads this…I'm so sick.

And kinky…

Anyways! Back to the flashback…

I helped James fix his monstrous pancake mix when Sirius comes down in only a pair of boxers that read **"Spooning leads to Forking!"**

I burst out laughing, and he just cocked an eyebrow at me, very saucily, and said, "yes?"

"Nothing, I just can't imagine Sirius Black ever spooning with anyone."

He looked at me very confused. I pointedly looked at his boxers and he sniggered.

"Sorry, I thought you were just checking out my junk when I walked in."

"That would explain why I was laughing." I retorted, feeling proud of myself for thinking of that comeback.

"Ooh, Lily, you hurt me." He placed his hand over his heart.

I rolled my eyes. "Please. If you want me to be checking out your _junk, _as you so rudely put it, you'll have to put in your time. James had to wait years before any of the good stuff happened."

"You wanna bet? I have some full proof material that I can use against any witch at any time." Sirius bragged.

Charlotte snorted, a very un-like Charlotte thing to do, "Do you now? Lets hear it, then."

"Ok, Is your name "Avada Kedvra"? 'Cause you've got a killer bod." Sirius said, wiggling his eye brows at Charlotte and I. We both sighed and rolled our eyes.

"That's the best you got?" James said, finally making some progress with cooking his pancakes.

"Like you could do better!" Sirius shot back.

"Fine, I declare a pick up line war!" We all stared at James like he was mental. "What…I got inspired by your shirt…" I looked down at my tee and laughed.

"Checking out my _junk_, James?"

"All the time, Lily Flower…" He said dreamily.

"Oi!" Sirius chucked a fork at James, which James caught without turning his head (which I admit was extremely sexy.)

"Hey, no forks before spooning!" Charlotte said smirking.

"Whatever," Sirius said in a huff, "Our pick up line war? I accept."

"Fine, game on." James said, all serious.

Wow. That was a freaky sentence. Since he was serious, but not Sirius…I bet he gets really tired with that punn…

James walked over to me and said, "We may not be in Mr. Flitwicks class, but you're still charming."

Sirius scoffed and turned to Charlotte. At least they werent saying these to each other…hopefully that proves they're not gay lovers…

"Without you I feel like I'm in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul." Sirius said, his words pouring from his lips like liquid sex, I visually saw Charlotte's eye lids flutter as she swooned.  
"Being without you is like being under the Cruciatus Curse." James said sweetly, making my heart skip a beat without my permission. Pick up lines don't ever work…right?

"You know, Hagrid's not the only giant on campus." Sirius wiggled his eye brows at Charlotte again, who laughed at him.

"I must have had some Felix Felicis because I think I'm about to get lucky." James fired back.

"I've been whomping my willow thinking about you."

"OI! THAT'S MY SISTER!"

"Yeah, your incredibly hot sister." Sirius replied with a slight smirk on his plump lips. James grumbled something and flipped a pancake rather hostilely.

"Fine, I can get pervy too." James turned to me. "Do you know the Petrificus Totalus spell?" I nodded, bewilderled. "Because you make me stiff."

I laughed as Sirius shot back his next one.

"You know Platform 9 and 3/4? Well I know something else with the same exact measurements."

James snorted so we all looked at him. "Sorry…I thought this was a pick up _line_ contest…not a pick up _lying_ contest…"

"Oh, very clever." Sirius sneered, then turned to me, "And I wasn't lying, just to let you know…in case you ever want to ditch this jerk off…"

"Um, still here!" Charlotte said, looking more than a little peeved.

"Oh baby…" He said silkily, "Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?" She looked a little less huffy.

"You know, when I said, "Accio hottie," I didn't expect it to work!" James said, continuing the banter.

Melanie walked in, looking thoroughly disturbed.

"Pick up line war!" I told her. She looked down at my shirt and shook her head.

"And all before noon…"

"A couple nights with me and Moaning Myrtle will have to get a new nickname." Sirius said to Charlotte.

"Want to learn to speak troll? I can get you grunting in no time."  
"Do what?" Remus said from the stair case.

"Pick up line war!" We all said, still laughing from James' last line.

Remus scoffed. "Amateurs." He walked down the stair case, and leaned in toward Charlotte, Mel, and I and whispered, "I'm not an Animagus but sometimes I can be real animal."

We all burst out laughing, but I saw Mel blush.

"Want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own." Sirius said.  
James looked at me and continued with, "If you were a quaffle and I was a chaser during a quidditch match, I'd score with you."

"Of course, you _had_ to mention Quidditch…"

Sirius took that as a challenge and looked at me and said, "You look like you'd be a good Quidditch player. Want to ride my broomstick?"

"NO!"

"You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric Gryffindor himself, I too have an impressive sword." Sirius said smugly. I detect some compensation going on here….He has mentioned how 'endowed' he is way more times than the others…

"The sorting hat says you should be in my house...wait ...whats that...it also says you should be in my bed." James countered.

"If I try hard enough, I can get a really big patronus. All I have to do is think of happy things." Lupin said, and then something truly disturbing happened. They all turned toward each other.

"If I were going to produce a patronus, you'd be my happy thought." James said.

"The thought of you makes something vast and silver erupt from my wand!" Sirius trump them with.

Then it started getting very weird, they just started yelling the pick up lines at each other:

James: "Are you speaking parseltongue? 'Cause you're talking to my snake."

Lupin: "Your smile's like expelliarmus: simple but disarming" (Sirius rolled his eyes at that one.)

Sirius: "Girls call me "Aguamenti." Everytime they hear my name, they get wet."

I turned to Charlotte and Mel on that one and mouthed 'ew!' they nodded in agreement.

James: "What's the password to your portrait?"  
Lupin: "I don't know a thing about Merlin's pants, but I'd love to get into yours!"

James: "Is that a mirror in your pants? Cuz I can see myself in them."  
Sirius: "Could I borrow your wand? I need to practice my 'swish and flick.'"

"Ok this is just getting nasty…I feel like they're hitting on each other…" Charlotte said, and I, of course, start to panic. So I start telling Mel and Charlotte about what happened last night and how I'm starting to think James meant it wasn't time to come out of the closet. Every now and again through my story I heard a pick up line and a few sniggers.

James: "You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro: growing me a bone."

I rolled my eyes, "So, you don't think they're gay do you?"

"Of course not…" Melanie said, not sounding all that certain.

"Thanks. That was convincing." I said sarcastically.

"Well, this is modern times…"

"Still not helping!"  
Lupin: "I can be your house elf. I'll do whatever you want and I don't need any clothes."

Mel blushed scarlet on that one.

"So how are things going between you two?" I asked Mel.

"OK, I guess."

"You know, he thinks you're seeing some one else."

"_What!" _Melanie yelled a whisper.

"Yeah, I think you two should sit down and really talk…"

"Did you slip some firewhiskey into my drink, or are you just getting hotter?" I heard Sirius say.

"I'm offically grossed out now…" Charlotte whispered. "And totally regretting getting back together with him…"

"I think he loves you." I said to her.  
"Why don't you come tame my dragon?" James said.

"Or he loves James…." Charlotte said, making a strange face.  
"You don't have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on." Lupin said.

"Ok, that's it. I can't take it anymore."

They all nodded and watched me walk up to James, "Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

He smiled down at me. "I believe my wand is upstairs."

"Hmmm…" I ran my hand down his chest. "Well that's a shame…"

"Why?" He said, his breathing slightly ragged.

"Because then you might not have burned your precious pancakes."

"_Shit!"_ He ran over to the stove and the charred pancake.

We all laughed at him and went to take a seat.

"So what do you guys want to do today?" James asked, walking over to join us, I turned toward him to answer. However, he tripped on my slippers that I had left while we were watching the pick up line war at the bar. James came toppling down to the tile floor, landing right below me. He groaned in pain, as I saw some blood trickle through the grout of the tile.

"Did you cast Impervio on me? Cause when I'm near you I can't control my body." He said with a small grin.

Then he promptly passed out.

And before we all properly freaked out and called for help, I heard Sirius say, as he leaned over to stare down at his unconcious friend "Damn. He wins."

**Hey guys! I had some serious inspiration today because I was reading a fic and the author said to go find 'harry potter bad pick up lines' so I wrote this based on the fact that I stared at the screen laughing my ass off for 30minutes, and knew I had to write this for you all!**

**I'll still update on Sunday, and it will pick up right where I left off (hence I kept the August 1st line) I just wanted to treat you with –hopfully—a laugh!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	12. Entry12

Entry 12

I am the most horrible person on the Earth.

If guilt doesn't eat me alive first, I'm sending myself off to a cannibalistic island.

Do you know the saying 'Never expect always hope' ?

Well it is CRAP!

There is no _hope _without _expecting_! I mean who the FUCK invented that?

I can not simply say to myself, 'Lily, I mean it, do not expect anything to happen, especially not anything good, just _hope, _just fucking _hope _that everyone will be ok! Just _hope _your life will not be destroyed. Just _hope _you'll be able to wake up tomorrow and be alive.

I bet you're sitting there thinking 'what the hell crawled itself up Lily Ella Evans' ass and died? Eh? What the hell is she talking about? I wish she would just SHUT THE FRONT DOOR and stop her BITCHIN' AND MOANING!"

Stupid mother fucking ass holes.

I angrily declare a **FLASHBACK**!

So, after the whole 'pick up line war' fiasco, I went up to my room and decided to take a shower. I was having a very nice, calming hot ass shower and then—are you ready? Are you sitting down? (since journals can do that so easily..) anyways, get this…

PETER FUCKING PETTIGREW PULLS BACK MY SHOWER CURTAIN AND JOINS ME—BOTH OF US COMPLETELY NAKED!

I have never felt nauseous, mortified, disgusted and wanting to pour acid over my eyes all at once before.

I screamed bloody murder, jumped back out of the shower, through a towel over me and my still shampooed filled hair and ran into my room, slamming the door behind me and locking it—also pushed my dresser in front of the bathroom door, just in case.

What the fuck was that?

So, I screamed out James' name, and like a good boyfriend, he came to my rescue. He quickly saw that I was in a towel and he grinned at me. Then he saw that my hair still had shampoo in it.

"What—?"

"PETER!"

"No…James…" James said very confused now.

"NO! PETER IN SHOWER! NAKED, NAKED PETER!" I don't think my traumatized mine could form coherent sentences just yet.

"Do what?"

I pointed to the bathroom door, covered by my dresser.

"Oh shit."

Yes. This definitely called for an _oh shit._

In fact, this could probably be an 'a-okay' time for words such as _of fuck_, _double fuck_, or I'd say this even could be a _triple fuck._

But then again, I haven't told you the rest of fan-fucking-tastic day! If I went on that system of swearing I would have gotten to around a _centuple fuck _considering this is all before NOON!

James' left to see to Peter and I flopped down on the bed, trying to get the disturbing image of _Peters penis _out of my mind.

It was harder than that damn song that repeats 'Tempted by the fruit of another' about FIFTY THOUSAND TIMES!

GAH! It was harder to get out of my mind not _harder._

Eugghhhh, I need to permanently remove that word from my vocabulary.

Anyway, so there I am sprawled out on my bed and I closed my eyes trying to think of anything but—but _that_ when I hear screaming.

"_WHY WOULD I EVER WANT YOU TO GO SHOWER IN MY ROOM!"_

"_Er—I don't know…"_

"_I WOULDN'T! ESPECIALLY SINCE LILY AND I SHARE A SHOWER!"_

"_I didn't know that!"_

"_You just didn't HAPPEN TO SEE THE OTHER DOOR? OR HAPPEN TO REALIZE YOU DIDN'T NEED TO TURN THE WATER ON SINCE IT WAS—what ladies and gentlemen—ALREADY ON!"_

"_James! I didn't mean to see Lily naked!"_

"_OH REALLY? JUST LIKE YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO SEE CHARLOTTE NAKED?"_

What the fuck? Peter has seen Charlotte naked? I need to remember to ask her about that later…

"_That was another accident…"_

"_I find it really hard—" _Cringe _"that you happen to see my sister and my girlfriend naked in my house both coming out of my god damn shower!"_

Getting a little possessive James?

I didn't really need to listen more, so I got up—leaving my towel on the bed—and went to put on some very loose fitting clothing. I didn't want to show anymore than I already had today.

"What the hell is going on up here—?" I heard Remus.

Then I realized James hadn't fucking shut the DOOR!

This is a _Quadruple fuck!_

I see Remus looking into my room to see if the yelling was from James and I—and instead, Lupin gets a peep show.

"Oh—!"

I lunge to the other side of my bed—giving him a rather nice vision of my ass—and then stick my rather flushed face up and give a very awkward smile.

Lupin was gentlemen enough to have turned around and I called to him to turn back around.

"Er—James is yelling at Peter cuz he walked in on me in the shower."

"James did?"

"No, Peter."

Remus cringed. "Fuck."

You're telling me.

"I won't tell Sirius if you won't."

"Deal."

"And—um, could you not tell anyone about that?" I motioned to where I had jumped from behind the bed.

He grinned mischievously. "I always thought James was lying about that heart shaped birth mark."

_Quintuple fuck!_

"HE TOLD YOU ALL THAT?"

"Well, erm, he was really young—"

"_Young?"_

Remus realized he had just really screwed up, so he tried to make for the exit but I grabbed my towel from off the bed, trying my best not to give him a shot of my tits and ran up to him, towel securely in place. "_Young?"_ I repeated.

"Well—we—er I mean he was—"

"REMUS LUPIN!"

"Ok, ok…When we were 13 we found a way to go up to the girls dormitories, and Sirius, Peter and I all wanted to go to the 6th and 7th year girls right away…but James wanted to go see the 3rd years…"

"To see me?"

He nodded guilty.

"So, he waited until you were all asleep…" God, my boyfriend is such a creep! "Then he walked over to your bed and pulled back the curtains and apparently your shorts had ridden up…."

"Oh my god..." I groaned.

"So, yeah…"

I shook my head and Remus leaned against the door frame, staring off to space.

"So, have you talked to Mel yet?"

"No."

"You really should—"

"What the hell!" James stood outside of his bedroom, "What the hell is this? Lily's free peep show?"

"Oh, that's rich! What about 3rd year?"

Remus started banging his head against the frame.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, apparently you went and told everyone about my heart shaped birthmark on my ass!"

"Moony!"

"Don't look at me mate…"

"I can't believe you would completely disregard my privacy like that!"

"I was 13!"

"So? Your 16 now!"

"I don't need this right now."

"Then what do you need?"

"Some space." Then he walked passed me and down the stairs, Lupin following him.

I started crying, and walked back to my bed and grabbed you. And really starting crying in earnest.

And I didn't even have my damn period to blame on all the tears.

I hate crying and I couldn't stop. My mind went into a blurry of depressing thoughts. Starting with what if James wanted more than a day of 'space'? What if he was thinking about breaking up with me? What if he didn't need _me_ right now? I was having a nice pity party thinking about what would happen to me if he did want to break up with me. I would have no where to go. That started a sobbing session about my parents, which quickly moved to Petunia, then I thought of the broach she left me and how she might somehow still kinda of love me. And before I knew it I was crying about Sev. I really missed our friendship. He was someone who had been in my life since I was 11 and for the last year he just wasn't there anymore. And it was even more sad that he could be, just didn't want me anymore. Just like Tunia.

But not like my parents. I would never be able to talk to them again. Never have the privilege of asking for advice, or a room to stay in for Christmas.

Christmas.

Another wave of sobs.

My record played "Have You Ever Seen the Rain' by Creedence Clearwater Revival, and yes, even that made me cry harder.

Someone knocked on my door and I ignored it. Finally, they gave up.

I watched the sun set from my bed. Still sniffling.

"Lils?" It was Charlotte.

I made a grumble of acknowledgment.

She walked in and took in my state and gasped. "Lily! What happened?"

"We should start a club." I said, my voice sounded foreign to me, lost and hoarse.

"A club?" It was clear she thought I was insane.

"Yes, it should be called 'Peter Pettigrew has seen me naked.'"

"PETER SAW YOU NAKED?"

I didn't even bother telling her to be quiet.

"Now, I see why you're crying." I wanted to laugh, but couldn't bring myself too.

"That's not why."

"Then why?" She sat down with me on my bed, watching the sun set.

"James wants some space."

"Well, I'm sure the moon wouldn't mind sharing."

I gave her a look that clearly said 'this is not the fucking time.'

"Sorry." We were silent for a while then she asked, "why the dresser in front of your bathroom door?"

"Peter. Shower. Naked."

"Riiiight."

Charlotte walked to my closet and pulled out some clothes, I hadn't even realized I was still in my towel.

"Come, on. You must be starving."

I hadn't eaten all day, I was hungry. But I didn't want to go downstairs.

"They're gone. James came up here a few hours ago to tell you he, Remus, Peter, and Sirius all went to Muggle London. So, its just Mel and me."

"Why didn't Mel come up here then?"

"Oh because she is talking to mom and dad."

I laughed. "Why?"

"It's a surprise."

"A birthday surprise?"

"I can't tell you!"

"What's the point? I probably wont be here long anyways…"

"What? Where are you going?" She had stopped picking out clothing and stared at me.

"Well, I can't very well give James his space if I live with him."

Charlotte shook her head. "My brother is such an idiot sometimes. He needs to really think about what he says before—"

"HE WONT SLEEP WITH ME!"

Silence.

Did I really just say that?

No. I didn't.

I _screamed_ it.

Charlotte stared at me for a very long time then started howling with laughter. I started to feel a little better, simply by watching Charlotte hit her thighs and roll around on the ground, falling to pieces laughing.

"What's so funny?" Mel stood by the door, giggling at Charlotte.

So, I told them all the whole story, about Peter and the shower. "Yes. And THEN _Lupin_ walked in on me and saw me naked too!" They all laughed at me and agreed that we wished we were Melanie because she was the only one Peter hasn't seen naked.

"So, what Remus has seen you naked too?" I asked Charlotte.

"Yep." She told us the story about how Sirius, James, Peter and Remus had all seen her when her towel had slipped.

"They were all together?" I asked in horror.

"Yep."

"And your brother didn't kill any of them?"

"Nope."

"I can never believe Charlotte's stories." Melanie said laughing.

"Lets eat!" We all went downstairs to the den and had great pizza and started watching a movie.

"So, my brother wont sleep with you?"

Melanie just about spit out her drink after Charlotte said this.

"No!"

"Does he say why not?"

So I told Melanie and Charlotte what he had told me, all my crazy theories (including the gay one) and they told me he was trying to be a supportive boyfriend after everything that had happened to me. I fired back that a supportive boyfriend should give me whatever I need, not what he thinks I need.

"We're home!" I tried to untangle myself from all the blankets and rush upstairs but I just managed to fall on my face and hit my knee against the granite coffee table.

_Sextuple__ fuck! _

"OW!" James ran into the den to see what had happened, then helped me up. I tried not to look into his eyes and just hobble back to my room, but he wasn't having that.

"Whats wrong?" I didn't respond. "Why wont you look at me? Lily?" I said nothing, just looked at the carpet, wishing the Earth would swallow me whole.

"You dumb ass!" Charlotte said, getting out of the covers much more gracefully than me.

"What? What did I do now?" He was still supporting my weight, but by now I was just praying Charlotte wouldn't say anything too humiliating.

"Well, for starters, you told her you wanted some space!"

"Just for the afternoon! I didn't want to fight so I thought—"

"Well you thought wrong dip shit! She thought you wanted to break up with her and throw her out to the street!"

"What?" James yelled.

"Not to mention the fact, you made it seem like it was her fault that Peter and Remus saw her naked!"

"_WOAH_! WHAT?" Sirius said, looking like Christmas had come early. _Septuble fuck!_

"_And you wont have sex with her!"_

_Octuple Fuck!_

I will never be able to look anyone in this room in the eye ever, ever again.

Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte. Why? Why do you do shit like this?

"You—don't—_what_?" Sirius' face had never shown so much glee.

"Nonuple Fuck!" I yelled and ran up the stairs.

"Lily!" james was on my hells but I slammed the door in his face. I ran to my bed and turned up my record player, my Creedence Clearwater Revival record still in there.

"Damn it Lily let me in!"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Too embarrassed!"

"Merlin!" I heard him leave my door and walked to his room. Then I heard him forcefully shoving his body weight against my bathroom door. The dresser was still in front of it so I just let him heave himself to exhusation and then maybe I would never have to face him again.

"Lils, we need to talk." He said through the door. _Decuple_ _fuck. _That never means anything good. "I will never want to break up with you. I will never kick you out. And I will never stop loving you."

"Lils please? I love you so much."

Silence again. "And about the not sleeping with you…"

I refused to answer him tonight, I was too mortified.

I started to get up and move the dresser away from the door.

I opened the door and he smile at me.

"I'm sorry. I was so stupid…"

_**BANG!**_

"What was that?" I whispered.

"Who cares?" He leaned down and kissed me.

My record player suddenly sounded a lot loud. The lyrics were drowning me. I suddenly realized how terrifying 'Bad Moon Rising' was…

_**POP! POP! POP!**_

We both stopped kissing then.

Someone was coming into the house—how though? Weren't there protective charms? No one could get in here… unless…

Unless the secret was broken.

_**POP!POP!POP!POP!**_

"James! Lily! Help!"

_Hendecuple Fuck!_

We turned around, wands at the ready, and I screamed in terror. Standing next to my record player was a horribly tall man in a hideous mask. He was who had turned up my music. He walked very slowly towards us, wand outdrawn, and whispered in line with the song, "Hope you got your things together.  
Hope you are quite prepared to die.  
Looks like we're in for nasty weather.  
One eye is taken for an eye."

Before instinct took over I remember thinking what a shame it was I wouldn't be able to listen to CCR anymore because of him.

Oh, I need to go, James is finally waking up. The Healers didn't know why he was in the coma for so long, I need to make sure he's alright!

**Happy Sunday!**

**This is what happens when you watch the 40year old virgin, listen to CCR, AND write FF. **

**Please tell me your thoughts, I had to rewrite this a few times and want to see if I got it right!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


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